Page 92 of #Awestruck

The pain was swift and fierce, and I had to sit down for a second until it passed.

It was like the moment that I heard about his renegotiated contract. Evan Dawson was currently the highest-paid athlete in the NFL. The numbers, nine figures, were mind-boggling. I was really, truly happy for him. He deserved it. And even though I was quietly cheering him on, I’d had to fight off the urge to curl up in the fetal position and stay in bed for three days, until everyone stopped reporting about it.

I missed him so much.

Besides aching for Evan and going through the motions of my life, I had plenty of time to think. Turned out my mom was actually a pretty good therapist, and her insights turned out to be, well, insightful.

I did ignore my problems. I did always try to take the easy way out.

I had justified the bad decisions I’d made, even trying to share the blame. Like when I’d accused Evan of lying, too. He had been right. The two things weren’t even remotely similar. I’d just wanted an excuse for my terrible behavior. I’d been deflecting and ignoring just how badly I’d betrayed him.

I’d betrayed him beyond belief, and it caused me pain on a daily basis. I’d taken his trust, something he didn’t give lightly, and I’d smashed it all to pieces.

For what? Nothing. Nothing excused or rationalized the choices I’d made.

I was weak; I was wrong; I was selfish.

And I needed to confess that all to him.

So I did one of the scariest things I’d ever done. I didn’t call or text, thinking that would again be me taking the easy way out. I couldn’t go to his house, not knowing if he’d let me into his sanctuary.

Instead, I went to the stadium. I called in yet another favor with Nia, who had Malik contact one of the security guards to let me in. I waited outside the locker room after practice, wearing sunglasses and a hat, hoping that the few reporters there wouldn’t recognize me.

I watched as players filed out of the locker room at different times—I knew the quarterbacks and offensive linemen would be among the last to leave.

Then ... there he was. My heart leaped at the sight of him, crashing hard into my chest. Hope and fear warred inside me. I opened my mouth, and no words came out. But as if I’d spoken his name, Evan turned and saw me.

His hand tightened on his duffel bag as his mouth stretched into a thin line.

My first instinct was to think that this was a mistake. That I should leave and not bother him ever again.

“Easy way out,” I muttered, making my way over to him. Time to be strong and to act.

He watched me approach, and just like during a game, his face didn’t give away anything of what he was feeling.

“Hi. Can we talk? Please?” My voice shook, my words running all together.

Evan nodded curtly and then said, “This way.”

I followed him to the players’ parking lot, ignoring the curious looks from his teammates as we climbed into his SUV. He threw his bag in the back seat and then faced front, his hands on the steering wheel. I wanted to reach out. Hug him. Find a way to make this better.

I’d lost that right.

Folding my arms, I told myself I could do this. “Just because I can’t say it enough, I’m sorry. I screwed up. Royally.”

He didn’t respond.

“And I know saying those words isn’t a magical forgiveness token. I wanted to explain and to own my actions. When we ...” I took in a deep breath. “When we talked at the ISEN station, I was freaking out. I wanted to excuse what I had done. And there’s no excuse.”

I gulped, trying to keep my voice steady. “When Brenda told us she wanted to prove you weren’t a virgin, it was like I couldn’t volunteer fast enough. It was a chance to get back at you. To try and hurt you the way you’d hurt me. I thought I hated you. It’s been a decade, but I was still so angry at you. And then you told me the truth. I believed you. I didn’t want to, but I did. You were just so wonderful and amazing. My feelings changed.”

Evan shook his head, as if denying what I was saying.

“I’ve always been overly competitive. And I wanted this announcing job more than anything. I thought I had to be ruthless. Ambitious. Cut down everything in my path to get what I wanted. Especially when no one in my life believed I could do it. Except for you.” My voice caught, and I took a second to collect myself. “You were open and vulnerable and so generous with me. And I betrayed all of that. I repaid it by being deceitful and selfish. I tried to equalize the playing field by accusing you of lying, but you were right. They weren’t even remotely the same. I was being defensive and lashing out because I was so panicked by the idea of losing you. I was so focused on my pain and my loss that I didn’t stop to really consider how deeply I must have hurt you.”

This time he nodded and shifted in his seat.

“I think about that all the time now, how I must have hurt you, and it destroys me.”

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