Page 73 of Hypnotized By Love

Sierra did not understand this situation at all. “Being physically attracted to someone is not the same thing as having feelings. Obviously you can hate someone and still kiss them.”

“Youcan’t,” she said. “I mean, I understand why you keep him at arm’s length, but he’s always been it for you. No one else has even come close.”

“I’ve dated!”

“Not all that much.”

Again, she was discounting history to make her point. “Matt was a serious boyfriend.”

“You dated Matt for three months and then dumped him because he didn’t like that TV show you were obsessed with. The one you used to watch with Mason, I’d like to point out.”

I had no good rebuttal to that, so I settled on, “So?”

“Let’s be honest. The only serious long-term relationship you’ve ever had is with sugar.”

I made a sound of disgust. “Dating in your twenties is mostly stupid anyways. You never know if you’re going to marry someone or if they’re going to turn out to be the reason you spend so much money on therapy.”

Mason was a therapy bill waiting to happen.

“I feel a little like a broken record here, but you should talk to him.”

Deep down, very deep down, I knew my sister was right. That I was being petty and ridiculous. Mason might have a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why things had happened the way they did.

But if he could explain things away ... what did that mean for me? I’d kissed him once, a mistake I absolutely could not make again. It would take so little for him to make me entirely vulnerable to him, completely defenseless, which would make it easy for him to destroy my heart again.

I wasn’t going to let that happen, but Sierra didn’t need to know about my inner turmoil. “He doesn’t get a pass for bad behavior or to not have to feel shame about what he did. Talking to him doesn’t change anything.”

She seemed to consider my words and then said, “We all make mistakes, and part of being human is forgiving and moving past them if we can. If he continued to be toxic and hurt you, that would be one thing, but if he’s changed? It would be nice if we could erasethe past, but hanging on to this anger? The person it’s hurting is you. Not him.”

Again, she was right. “It isn’t my job to absolve his guilty conscience.”

My sister nodded. “I get that. But forgiveness, moving on, it’s not for him, it’s for you.”

I squeezed her hand. I knew she had my best interests at heart. Clinically, I could agree with her sentiment. I knew holding on to anger and not forgiving others was not the best thing for mental health. I was living proof of that fact. It didn’t mean that I wanted to risk letting Mason back in.

But I budged a tiny bit, just for her benefit. “Fine. The next time I see him, I’ll listen to his stupid excuses.”

“That’s the spirit!” she said.

“Why are you pushing me so hard toward him?” I asked.

“Well, there’s the fact that I think you two blockheads really do like each other, and because, I don’t know, I guess I have a hard time taking control in my own life, and it’s cathartic to make you do it.”

“You could do the same thing.”

“I know. I’m trying. In large part because I envy what you have.”

“Loathing and a desire for mutual destruction?” I asked.

“No,” she said as she shook her head. “You said you were jealous that I’m so even keeled. I’m jealous of the emotions you have. How you feel the things you feel and they’re so big. Sometimes you tamp them down and pretend you don’t have them, but they’re still there.”

“It’s not always a good thing,” I informed her. In fact, it usually sucked. I hated feeling emotionally frayed all the time.

“Probably not, but when you love somebody, Savannah, I can’t even begin to imagine what that’s going to feel like for you, and I envy it. And I know you won’t settle for anything less than a man who loves you as much and as big as you love him.”

Tears pricked my eyes, and I blinked them away. “You don’t have to settle, either. Your great love is out there.”

“Maybe. Lucky for you that Mom’s had yours picked out since you were born. Get some rest. I’ll see you when we get back.”

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