Page 14 of Party Favors

I shrugged. Elevated liked big parties. The bigger the better.

“What is in those cupcakes?” she asked in disbelief.

“Gold flakes and cocaine,” I promptly replied and she laughed.

Joking with her made me feel better, a fact she seemed to pick up on quickly. “Does this mean you’re over Adrian now?”

Was I over the crush I’d nursed for the last four years? Not so much. “Teasing you doesn’t mean I’m suddenly done with my residual feelings.”

“That’s too bad. Because now that I’ve worked with him, I have to tell you, I don’t get it.”

I had a french fry halfway to my mouth when she said this, and I froze. “What do you mean?”

“I’d like to tell you, but my New Year’s resolution was to stop insulting people at work.” She paused. “But given that it’s been over tenmonths since New Year’s Eve and I’ve already broken it repeatedly, here it is. Adrian is not very bright.”

Indignation swelled up in my chest. “He is, too!”

“You really do always try to find the best in others. It must be so exhausting and disappointing.”

I’d actually discovered the opposite to be true. I had faith in other people, and I’d found them to generally be who I thought they were.

“I’ve been going through his social media,” she said, gearing up for what was presumably going to be a long rant. “He wears sunglasses inside and calls people ‘doll’ and ‘champ.’ He posts pictures of his food every day. It’s not like his four hundred and sixty-two pictures of lobster risotto are going to wind up at MoMA.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s not smart.”

“He is absolutely the kind of guy who has unironically called a woman ‘milady’ at some point in his life. He’s a human golden retriever. And not the lovable, adorable kind, but the inbred one that isn’t very smart. His brain cells have to huddle together for warmth. And he’s lazy and lets you do everything for him while he takes all the credit.”

That one stung a little. “You don’t understand. Adrian and I are a team. We do things together. His success is my success.”

My phone beeped with a message, and my cheeks flushed when I realized who it was from. As if he’d somehow intuited that we’d been discussing him.

“Is that your assignment?” she asked. “What are you supposed to bring to the birthday celebration for Dan from Accounting? TheMona Lisaand a Fabergé egg?”

I didn’t want to lie to her, but I also didn’t want her to see the text. I wasn’t sure what to do.

Vella noticed my expression and took my phone from my hand, while I protested. “Hey!”

She started reading Adrian’s text out loud. “Hey doll, could you feed the kids and get my dry cleaning? I also need you to be at my apartment tomorrow between noon and four o’clock because I have anelectrician coming to install some new lights for the aquarium. Could you also water my plants and grab my mail while I’m gone?”

My cheeks got even hotter.

“Are you kidding me with this?” she said, squeezing my phone so tightly I worried she was going to break it. “Are you going to scrub his toilets and wash his windows, too?”

“I don’t do windows,” I tried to joke, but she wasn’t having it. “It’s fine. I don’t mind helping him out.” I didn’t mention that I had done these sorts of things for him many, many times. Because I sensed she wouldn’t be happy about that.

At all.

“You’re like his girlfriend with none of the benefits,” she muttered. “And who are ‘the kids’?”

“He has a pet python and some sharks.”

For a second she didn’t speak, her mouth opening and shutting again like she was trying to form words but couldn’t. Her voice returned quickly. “Nobody should own a shark! Just so you know, they say the type of pet you have is a representation of who you are as a person.” I made a dissenting noise at this, but she pressed on. “I guess the kind of people who have decided it’s okay to own a shark should be allowed to because, more likely than not, this is going to end up in some kind of Darwinian natural-selection situation.”

I tried to say something, but she kept going. “A shark is the kind of pet a serial killer would own.”

“He’s not a serial killer.”

“Yay for him?” she said sarcastically. “One point in the pro column—he doesn’t unalive people. It doesn’t outweigh all the negatives. It’s like you’re his beck-and-call girl.”

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