Page 130 of A Vow of Embers

So many different emotions flooded into me all at the same time, fury and jealousy being at the forefront. She rested her hand on his upper arm and I became so violently angry that I nearly combusted.

I excused myself and left the dining hall. I knew I couldn’t go far. Xander would eventually notice that I was missing and come looking for me. I wasn’t allowed to be on my own.

I found a small alcove and sank down, crossing my arms over my stomach. Why couldn’t I be more like him? Perhaps it was due to my inexperience. That I was confusing attachment and assigning emotions to physical actions even though he did not. The problem was I had no idea how to stop.

“Lia?”

I looked up to see Quynh. She was just who I needed. She looked to the left and right and crouched down next to me. “Are you all right?”

“Nothing’s all right and I don’t think it ever will be again. He kissed her.”

She blinked at me. “Yes. Xander kissed Chryseis.”

How did she know that?

“Thrax told me.” She set down the pitcher she’d been carrying. “I didn’t realize it would bother you this much.”

“You’re the only person I could tell this to, but it broke my heart. After I was attacked—”

She cut me off. “I heard about that. I can’t believe that happened. I’m so glad that you’re all right.”

“Because he saved me. And that night, I thought things had changed between us. But then he kissed someone else. He doesn’t care about me. And I hate that it bothers me.”

She sat next to me quietly, thinking. “I thought you hated him.”

“I do.” I knew it didn’t make sense, and thankfully Quynh didn’t point that out.

“Isn’t this what you wanted? For him to find someone else and leave you alone?”

Her question made me stare. It was exactly what I had wanted. What I had prayed for. Like I had spoken it into existence.

But that was before.

She sighed. “The fact that you are more upset about what happened after getting ambushed by assassins rather than the actual attack itself says a great deal.”

“It’s hard not to get upset about his betrayal when he did it right where I could see him!”

“Where did he kiss her?” she asked.

“In the courtyard in front of our balcony.”

“Thrax and I are going to have a conversation,” she muttered, and then she took both of my hands. “I want you to think about this: Why would Xander do that? Why would he kiss someone else where you could see him?”

“Because he’s a cheating bastard and he’s bedding her!”

She shook her head. “Why would you do it, if your situations were reversed?”

That made me consider it in a different way. “If it had been me, I would have done it to hurt him. To lash out. To punish him.”

My heart stuttered in my chest. Could he have done this deliberately? It felt self-centered to imagine that he had done this solely because of me. But that was what my sister was saying.

I couldn’t let that small bit of hope rise up and spread. I had to squash it down and keep it locked up, tight. And not think about it anymore. “Speaking of kissing in courtyards, why would you kiss Thrax?”

She knew that I was speaking about something else deliberately but she didn’t point it out. “I don’t know. I was so angry with him and then I just ... wanted to. And it was nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. I know you used to ask me what kissing was like and I told you, but now I feel like I lied to you. Because what happened between him and me? Lia, it is something else entirely. When I kiss him ... he consumes me. Nothing else exists. It is the greatest thing I have ever felt.”

I wanted to cover my ears. Not only because she was talking about Thrax, but because I knew exactly what she meant.

“Are you ... do you have feelings for him?” I asked, worried.

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