Page 29 of A Not So Merry Ex-Mas

My shoulders slump, and a heaviness pulls me down.

He was right when he told me to move on at Mel and Mike’s wedding. It was what I deserved.

“Noelle?” A big warm hand rests on my shoulder, and heat runs down my entire body. My head tilts toward his touch, and I take a deep breath, feeling the commotion in my mind settle.

I lift my hand and place it over his. I’ve missed him so much.

“I will be. It’s just been a rough few years. Losing Gran…”and you, is on the tip of my tongue, but I swallow it back down. “And then getting divorced. It’s been…”

I gently squeeze his hand before moving away from the front door.

My cheeks burn, and my throat grows thick. Shame filling every inch of me. I don’t deserve the man standing in front of me, and he definitely doesn’t deserve to have to deal with the brokenness that is me.

I clear my throat. “Thank you,” I murmur, unable to look him in the eye.

“Bug,” Cole's voice is a softhearted whisper. “Look at me.”

I do as he asks and am almost knocked over by the tenderness radiating in his eyes. My breath catches, and another chunk of ice around my heart cracks.

“I know that you’ve been struggling, and I’m sorry for any part I played in—”

I shake my head back and forth in an attempt to stop him. This isn’t his fault. But he pushes aside my protest.

“Please listen to me.” He takes a few steps forward and lifts his arm but stops himself from coming too close and touching me. Like he’s afraid I’ll run.

My heart aches at how well he knows me even after all this time.

“We’ve had a lot happen since the last time we saw each other, but I’d like to leave the past in the past.” His eyes are pleading with me, and my soul wants to say yes to whatever it is he’s asking. “Can we do that?”

My heart slams against my ribcage while fear paralyzes me. Is it fear of letting him in or fear of losing him again?

Both.

I’m not the same person he fell in love with. What if this version of me disappoints him?

That’s definitely possible. But will I be able to live with the alternative if I completely shut this down?

The answer is no, I can’t live with that.

I take a deep breath and nod. “Okay,” I whisper.

A small smile crosses his face, his gaze softens, and I can see his chest quickly rise and fall. “Okay?”

I shake my head up and down, a tentative smile pulling up the corners of my lip. “Okay.”

“Thank you,” he whispers.

“No Cole. Thank you.”

Tears burn the back of my eyes, and I swallow past a lump in my throat. I can feel the last bit of ice around my heart melting. My resolve to keep my distance is gone.

I may not deserve this man—no I definitely don’t deserve him—but I’m pretty sure letting him go again would be the second biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

Well third, if I count marrying Dean.

The lesson here: always listen to your best friend.

The wind sounds likeit’s screaming as the storm outside rages. Inside, Cole and I are in our own little world. It’s warm and cozy, with the heat from the fire and Christmas music playing softly in the background.

---