Page 77 of Changing Rules

What the fuck am I doing?

“Bella, wait!” I dart after her and catch her elbow before she reaches the door. Then I spin her around and pull her to my chest. “Please don’t go. Don’t leave me, please. We can work through all of it. Let’s take a break… Give me time to fix it, please. I’ll do anything to fix it.”

Her features soften, but her eyes… Her eyes are dark and sorrowful. There is nothing left for me.

“I’m doing this for you,” she whispers, pressing her forehead to mine. “Trust me, it’s better this way.”

I brush my nose against hers. “Please, let me fix it. Take a break from our relationship. Take as much time as you need, but please don’t leave me. I love you, Bella. I love you more than anything. It’s crazy…”

“I love you too, Alex.” She closes her eyes. Tears brim on her trembling eyelashes.

“Xander. I’m Xander.” I tighten my grip around her. “I’m not Alexander; I’m not Alex. I’m your Xander, just like you’re my Bella.”

She presses her palm to her mouth, crying silent tears. “Xander…”

“Please, don’t leave me,” I beg, my own tears falling freely now.

She shakes her head. “I want you to move on. Give your relationship with Stacey a chance. Relax and live your life to the fullest without worrying about me, without being afraid something will happen to me.” She sweeps her gaze over me, her face tearstained. “I love you, Alexander Walker, with all my heart, but I need you to let me go.”

She’s made her decision, and there’s nothing I can do to change her mind. I’d give anything to go back in time and rethink every shitty decision I made over the last two months. But I can’t. There’s no changing what’s already been done. Thereis nothing except total darkness and the hole in my chest where my heart should be.

I press my lips to hers, kissing her hard, my head spinning as fire courses through me.

Sometimes she’s gentle like a breeze, calm and soothing. Sometimes she’s like a monsoon, changing the atmosphere in a blink. Sometimes she’s like a tornado, ready to destroy any obstacle in her path. Now? She’s a damned cyclone, and I’m right in the middle of it, standing tall and letting her ruin me.

I should’ve realized things were spiraling out of control. And now it’s too late. Yeah, maybe I set boundaries with Audrey, but not soon enough. The chain of events had already been set in motion.

While I was proud of myself for that, I was blind to how damaging my friendship with Stacey was to Bella. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt her, and now she’s lost to me. It’s all my fault.

Fuck.

“I love you,” I say, the words a breathy whisper.

And then she’s gone, leaving me alone in this empty house, taking my heart with her.

CHAPTER 20

WHAT YOU HAVE WITH ME?

XANDER

One year ago

August

I siton the hood of my car, staring off into the distance, my brain once again replaying scenes from my time with Bella.

The first time we met, when I talked her into designing my bathroom.

Bathroom…

I smashed the fucking mirror into smithereens the day she left. I couldn’t look at myself in it. I ruined the best thing I’d ever had because I was a selfish asshole.

I cut my hand, but I couldn’t feel the pain. I couldn’t even enjoy our win over Seattle during the last game of the preseason. All I feel is disgusted with myself for all the hurt I caused her.

I’m desperate.

Questions swirl in my head every fucking minute of every day, yet I don’t have a single answer. How did I not see all the ways I was hurting her? Why didn’t I notice how detached she was after Audrey’s baby shower? I told her over and over that I love her more than anything, that she’s all I see, but my actions showed her the opposite was true.

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