Page 45 of What if It's Us

A quick snort escapes my mouth. “Is that what you do when you’ve lost a game and you’re pissed off about it?”

His head falls back in laughter. “Do we bounce around the locker room and chant to the hockey Gods?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“No. But maybe we should try that.” He chuckles. “Fuck, can you see Barrett Cunningham bouncing around the locker room like that?”

“Oh, my God!” I burst out laughing. “Oh, please make this happen because this is now something I need to witness.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Anything for you, Marlee.”

“Thank you, Ledger.” I inhale a deep, steadying breath as my heartrate slows from our dancing and finally turn my head to glance at him. “Really. Thank you. For today. I think I needed out of my own head for a bit and you helped me do just that.”

His warm honey-colored eyes—a change from the greenish hue they were earlier—stare back at me. “Tell me what’s going on in your head. How can I help change your perspective?”

Shrugging my shoulder, a million thoughts race through my mind, none of them positive. But if there’s anyone in my life I can tell them to who won’t judge me, it’s Ledger. We may not have the closest of relationships, but I’ve trusted him this far because he makes me feel safe. And he has yet to let me down.

And he makes me feel like my feelings are valid.

“Promise you won’t laugh or tell me how dumb I am?”

His brows come together. “I would never do that to you, Marlee.”

“I know you wouldn’t,” I murmur, taking a deep breath and releasing it slowly. “Honestly, I’m just pissed at myself. At my body.”

Ledger cocks his head, watching me. “Why? What do you mean by that?”

“I mean just that,” I tell him. “A woman’s body is literally made to carry life.” I gesture to myself. “This body knows how to grow another human being inside it all by itself, but for whatever reason it doesn’t always work. My body let me down and it makes me feel…I don’t know. Broken. Like I’m not good enough. Like my body isn’t good enough. Like I was dumb to even think this conceiving thing was a good idea.” I inhale then keep talking. “I know I’m not the tiniest of women. I’m not a size two and I don’t suck down green smoothies and eat kale chips on the regular. I enjoy an ice-cold beer with my Harold’s hot dogs. I don’t work out like I used to in college but I’m not an unhealthy person. Not that I’m saying weight has anything to do with being able to conceive.” I huff softly. “I know it doesn’t. My internal negative Nancy is just bouncing down the rabbit hole of insecurities today, I guess.” I worry my lips and glance at Ledger. “I’m sorry. This will only last another three to four days or so and then I’ll be back to my regular self again.”

I pick at a piece of lint on my leg that isn’t even there trying to avoid eye contact but beside me Ledger says, “You want to know what I think?”

A small smile plays on my lips. “Sure.”

“I think your body isn’t broken. It’s perfect,” he starts. “I think every damn thing about you is beautiful.”

Trying not to blush, I nudge Ledger’s arm with my elbow. “Of course you would say that, Ledge. You’re my friend.”

“I’m fucking serious, Marlee.” He turns his body toward me on the couch and brings his fingers to my chin. “Look at me.” When he guides my chin I expect to see an angry expression on his face, but instead I only see…disbelief?

“I’ll be more specific,” he tells me before he swipes his tongue across his lips. “Your eyes remind me of that part of the night when it’s not totally dark but the stars are beginning to sparkle all over the sky,” he murmurs. “It’s like a dreamy blue twilight with a hue that changes every time I look at you. It’s mesmerizing and I love it.”

Wow, that’s definitely specific.

“Your cheeks flush right here when you’re nervous or embarrassed, like you must be now,” he says, tracing his thumb against the heated apples of my cheeks. I don’t know how a simple tender gesture has awakened the southern part of my body so fervently but I’m all of a sudden feeling heat in places I shouldn’t be thinking about right now. “It’s cute every time. And your nose crinkles right here on the bridge when you’re really laughing. That’s how I know when you’re genuinely happy.”

The corners of my mouth turn up when he smooths a finger down the bridge of my nose and then he’s gazing at my hair.

“Your hair always looks pretty whether it’s braided or pulled up in one of those messy buns like it is now. You look adorable when it’s up like that. Like you’re…” He inhales and releases hisbreath. “Approachable. Easy going. And on a night like tonight, you look absolutely snuggle-worthy.”

Snuggle worthy?

That sounds heavenly right now.

I wonder what it would be like to snuggle with Ledger?

Is he a snuggler?

He must be if he mentioned it.

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