Page 93 of What if It's Us

Maybe…maybe that’s what my kid will do one day too.

I give her a small wave back. A real one. And when I turn to face the ice again, my shoulders are a little lighter.

Still scared, yes, but a fucking kid just gave me a sense of hope. Who would I be to not do something about that?

August nudges my shoulder next to me. “Welcome back to Earth. You good?”

I nod. “Yeah. Just uh…had to remind myself what I’m playing for.”

The rink lightshave been dimmed for the night, casting long shadows over the ice. The echo of tonight’s game has long since faded, replaced by the quiet hum of machinery and the occasional creak of settling bleachers. It’s an oddly comforting place to be when you need to step away from it all and collect your thoughts. My shoulders slumped, my hands laced behind my neck, my elbows on my knees, I’m trying to physically hold myself together so I can be the person Marlee needs me to be for her.

“She’s pregnant,” I mutter to myself, exhaling sharply. It’s the kind of breath that comes from my chest, not my lungs.

“She’s pregnant. What the hell do I do now?”

I huff a laugh once, it’s not a happy sound, and run a hand through my hair. And then just like earlier in tonight’s game, I stare helplessly out at the ice like I’m waiting for it to give me a goddamn answer

“I can’t screw this up.”

Footsteps echo behind me. I stiffen and quickly wipe at my face but I don’t turn around.

“You planning to adopt the Zamboni, or can I sit?”

Coach?

I chuckle dryly and nod toward the bench. “Be my guest. It’s got emotional support seating.”

Coach Hicks takes a seat, leaving a respectful amount of space between us. He doesn’t push right away. He merely sits quietly so as not to make me feel so alone, I guess. But then he breaks the ice, saying, “You look like a man trying to solve a thousand-piece puzzle without the box cover.”

“That obvious, huh?”

He grins. “Only to people who’ve been there.”

Silence settles between us again. Not a severely uncomfortable one. Just steady.

“You want to talk about it, or shall I pretend this is about your slapshot mechanics?”

For a moment I hesitate in telling Coach about my problems. What does he care anyway? But then something inside me knows he hasn’t always been the man who checks on our feelings. For some reason though, he’s checking on me.

“Marlee’s pregnant.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“With my baby.”

Coach nods slowly, processing what I’ve just said. The corner of his mouth lifts before he responds, “Well…damn.”

“I should be happy, right? I mean, she wanted to be a mom. She asked me to help her and I said yes. Easy peasy, right?”

“But?”

“But I’ve had a fucking crush on her since the day I met her and I never took my shot. I never did anything about my feelings and now we’re together and she’s amazing. I’m easily falling forher. I’ve been in love with her for years. She just didn’t know it. But now here we are starting a real honest to God relationship and she’s pregnant with my baby. It’s like we’re doing this all ass-backwards. And not only that, I told myself I didn’t want kids. Now all I can think about is what if I screw this up? What if I…become him?”

Coach’s eyes don’t waver as I unleash all my feelings upon him. “You mean your dad?”

I lower my head, jaw clenched, and nod. “Yeah.”

He takes a deep breath and then says, “Let me ask you something, Ledger.Are you drinking and driving with a kid in the back seat?”

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