Page 18 of Trapper Road

“Did he talk about what happened?” I ask.

“He didn’t know much. He said he was at Kevin’s last night when Kevin got into a fight with two friends online after they ambushed him in a video game. He said he didn’t think much of it — it wasn’t the first time. But he also said Kevin hated to lose, especially in front of other people. He thinks Kevin might have been trying to save face.”

I press my fingers against my temples, remembering the evening before when I’d considered calling Kevin’s mom and telling her to send Connor home. If I’d actually done so, could that have changed things? Could it have kept Connor from being involved in all of this?

“So this really was about some stupid video game?” I ask, disgusted.

“Looks that way.” Sam sounds so much calmer than I feel, but I can see the storm in his eyes. This has affected him just as deeply as it has me, he’s just had to spend the last several hours keeping that turmoil buried so he could stay strong for Connor. “Kevin was shot when the cops arrived,” he continues. “They think it may have been self-inflicted. He’s in critical care along with the other two victims. They’ll know more when — if — they wake up.”

I shake my head. “What a waste. Those poor parents.”

I think of what it was like sitting in that room earlier today, all of us eyeing one another, wondering which of us were going home with our kids and which weren’t. I wouldn’t wish that torture on anyone.

“They tested Connor for gunpowder residue,” he adds.

This surprises me. “Why?”

“I assume they’re just covering their bases. This is the kind of incident that tends to get a lot of media attention.”

“I know it’s just… he didn’t have anything to do with this.” I realize after the words leave my mouth that there’s a hint of a question in my voice.

“Of course he didn’t.” There’s no hesitation in Sam’s response, no doubt. He pulls me into a hug.

I let myself lean against him. For years I never thought I’d find this kind of safety again. This kind of comfort where I can let down my guard and allow someone else to be strong in my stead.

“He’s going to be okay, Gwen,” he says, lips pressed against my forehead. “He’s been through a lot in life. He can handle it.”

“I know,” I tell him. I just wish I were as confident about that as Sam is. Everyone reaches their breaking point where it becomes too much to bear.

I should know.

Sam pulls back and cups my cheek in his palm. “I know you want to fix it for him.”

I manage a hint of a smile at how easily he can read me. “Of course I do.”

“I think this time he might need a little space to try working through this on his own first.”

“He’s only fifteen! He’s practically still a kid,” I protest.

“That’s not how he sees it. And I’m worried that the more we push, the more he’s going to retreat and the less likely he is to reach out to us when he needs us.”

Though it isn’t easy to hear, what Sam’s saying makes sense. I try to figure out what my gut is telling me to do, but everything inside me is a mess. I can’t separate my own emotional needs from what’s best for Connor. This kind of uncertainty is uncharted territory, and I don’t like it.

“Maybe you’re right,” I finally tell him.

“Just for a few days,” Sam says. “I think he just needs some time to figure out for himself how he’s feeling before he’ll be able to explain it to us or anyone else.”

I remember those moments after I fell in the lighthouse, when I thought I’d reached my end. I was overwhelmed with fear — not for my own death, but for what would happen to my kids if I wasn’t there. I knew Sam would take care of them, and that was a comforting thought. But I couldn’t help wondering if I’d prepared them enough for the world.

In that moment I realized the true limitations in my ability to protect them. Because I wouldn’t always be there. Eventually, they would have to learn to stand on their own.

It’s why I’ve been forcing myself to give them more space and freedom over the past few months, even when it’s run contrary to my most basic instincts. It’s why I agreed Lanny could go to prospective students weekend, why I didn’t intervene in Connor’s friendship with Kevin.

Maybe it’s all been a mistake. Maybe they’re not ready. But how else are they going to learn?

I don’t know what the right answer is. I’m not even sure there is a right answer. My instincts, which I’ve always relied on in the past, are totally failing me. So I decide to rely on Sam’s instincts instead. “If you think giving him space is the right thing to do…”

“I do.” He folds me back into a hug. “We’re going to get through this. We’re going to be okay. I promise.”

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