Page 51 of Chasing the Horizon

Kade took a chip and asked, “How long have you been a psychiatrist?”

“About forty years,” Victor said.

Kade looked impressed. Victor knew he couldn’t fathom that amount of time.

“Have you talked to a lot of kids like me?” Kade asked. “Kids who lost their parents?”

Victor hesitated before he answered. He didn’t want to make Kade think he was extra weird. He also didn’t want to make Kade think he wasn’t unique.

“Every case is different,” Victor said. “The only thing that unites them is that I can’t talk about any of them. Have you heard of patient-doctor confidentiality?”

Kade nodded. “I think I heard about it in a movie.”

“Right. I can’t talk to anyone about you or anything you say,” Victor said. “What do you think of that?”

Kade stomped one of his feet under the table—not out of frustration, but because he was thinking so hard. “I think I like it. I think it makes me trust you more.”

Victor smiled. “I hope you know you can trust me.”

“You can trust me, too,” Kade told him as though he’d just decided on it.

Victor felt like it was the most beautiful gift he’d received in quite a while—the gift of trust, the gift of Kade being able to trust him.

He wasn’t sure if his family trusted him. He wasn’t sure he blamed them.

He really wasn’t sure if he could trust himself. He never knew what he was going to do next.

After Jack picked up his great-nephew, Victor paid for the Mexican food and went for a long walk down the boardwalk, feeling the rush of the winter wind against his back. He knew he had people to answer to, and he needed to fix a few mistakes, but right now, he felt loose and happier than he had since the big trip to Manhattan.

That had been one disaster after another.

He still couldn’t fathom what had happened to him at Catherine’s brownstone. It was like something inside him had broken, something he’d fixated on throughout the Broadway show and dinner. Why had he thought talking to her husband would fix anything? Why had he thought he could talk to Max and better understand himself in some small way?

The breakdown he’d had at the radio show the next day had gone viral on the internet, whatever that meant. Strangely, it was an embarrassment that had launched his and Valerie’s book into the stratosphere. Julie was terribly pleased, sending screenshots of pre-orders and telling him that she wanted them to writeanother book after this one. All she saw were dollar signs. He couldn’t blame her, he guessed. It was a business.

But this was his emotional health they were talking about. This was his relationship both to himself and his entire family.

And the fact that he’d “opened up” to hundreds of thousands of followers rather than coming clean about his internal state to his family or Dr. Frank Gallagher spoke volumes.

It demonized him, at least in the eyes of Valerie.

After the trip to Manhattan, Victor had seen Valerie sparingly. Alex and Valerie had come over to the house for New Year’s Eve, and Valerie had come over to have tea with her mother, but she hadn’t once brought up the book. It was almost like Valerie wanted to smoke Victor out. She wanted him to come to her about what happened.

But how could Victor explain himself to her if he couldn’t explain himself to himself?

Victor drove home and found Esme hard at work in the kitchen. “I’m trying a new recipe!” she called over the sound of sizzling onions. “It says it won’t be ready for another four hours. I hope you’ll be hungry by then?”

Victor smiled and walked over to kiss his ex-wife on the cheek. His heart swelled with love for her. To her credit, Esme had decided to trust that wherever he’d gone off to that night in Manhattan had been his business and his business alone.

That night, they cuddled and watched a movie and exchanged a few laughs. Victor searched Esme’s face for reasons she was angry with him.

When they were getting ready for bed, he asked her, “Do you think Valerie will forgive me?”

And Esme said, “I’m not getting involved.”

Victor wrapped his arms around her in bed and felt Esme drift off. He watched a big yellow moon lift higher in the night sky. He knew sleep wouldn’t come for him.

But the next late morning in couples therapy, Esme brought it up to Dr. Hannah Benson. Victor realized he should have seen this coming. He should have known she was biding her time.

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