Page 52 of Chasing the Horizon

Dr. Benson kept her attention on Esme as Esme explained her side of things.

“He just got up and left,” Esme said, her voice even. “I was terrified. I had no idea what was going on. He didn’t return to the hotel till eight in the morning and looked terrible. And then the next day, well, I’m sure you’ve heard the radio interview?”

“I did.” Dr. Hannah nodded.

“I cried and cried when I heard it,” Esme said, still unable to look at Victor. “It was like he was finally saying so many of the things I’ve wanted him to say. Finally acknowledging so much!” Esme turned to look at Victor. “Why couldn’t you say any of that to me?”

Victor felt his heart shatter. Unable to stop himself, he reached over to take Esme’s hand. Such an act of tenderness in front of Dr. Hannah felt silly or too far.

“I didn’t plan on saying any of that,” Victor said finally.

Esme’s eyes glinted.

Dr. Hannah’s voice was overly formal. “Can you explain what was going on in your mind at the time?”

Be honest with her, Victor begged himself.Tell her about Max. Tell her about Catherine. Tell her about how you’re trying to “therapize” yourself.

But all Victor could say was, “I left that night because I wanted to try to fix myself.”

Esme shook her head delicately. “We need to fix this together. Not apart.”

Victor nodded. But he didn’t know how to believe her. Esme was perfect, or mostly perfect. Didn’t she see that?

When it was clear that Victor wasn’t going to divulge more details about his big night out in Manhattan, Dr. Hannah tried a different tactic. “How is it going with the book, Victor?”

Victor’s stomach bubbled with nerves. To his surprise, he was honest, saying, “Valerie isn’t so keen on seeing me right now.”

Just this morning, Valerie sent him an email that read: We need to keep working on the book as well as we can. Maybe it’s best if we write our memories and notes separately and email them to each other. I already talked to Julia, and she says that she can go over what we’ve written and decide how to bring everything together.

Victor wrote back, on the verge of sobbing: Why?

Valerie responded: You left and you refuse to tell us why. It made me understand that you might always be on the brink of leaving again. It opened up all these abandonment issues I’ve had. Maybe it’s better if we press pause on our relationship, at least until after the baby comes. I don’t want to stress myself out. I don’t want the baby to be unhealthy. I don’t want to bring our bad history into the next generation.I do love you, Dad. But I’m worried. I need to know things can be different.

Dr. Hannah asked, “Are you going to try to speak to her more about what happened? More about what’s going on in your head?”

Victor raised both of his hands. “She wants space from me. She doesn’t see me as a viable candidate to be anyone in her life right now. I have to respect her wishes.”

Esme, who hadn’t known about the emails nor about Valerie’s full decision, squeezed Victor’s hand hard.

“My hope is that as we write the book, we’ll get closer again,” Victor continued, hearing how delusional he was. “My hope is she’ll feel the love I have for her and come back to me.”

Dr. Hannah—so much younger than even Valerie—looked at Victor with what Victor suspected was pity. She then said, “If you want to talk more about ways to get through this…”

Victor waved his hands. “I know. I know. I need to see Dr. Gallagher.” He was on his feet, suddenly breathless with anger. The mess of his life felt like sailing ropes tied in so many impossible knots. “I need to get out of here. Esme, I’m sorry.”

With that, he left.

Chapter Twenty-One

February

Four Months Before The Accident

Eleven inches of snow fell on Nantucket Island on the second day of February. Electricity was lost in 30 percent of the houses and businesses, and only a snow truck was out trying to clear the roads. Valerie was cozy at home with her husband, decorating the baby’s room. Although they’d originally thought they didn’t want to learn the baby’s gender, they’d broken down at their last doctor’s appointment and found out that—incredibly—they were going to have a boy. Alex had stopped all the jokes about naming the baby after a director and had begun to offer real, valid options: Henry, Xavier, Elijah. Valerie noted all the baby name ideas in an app on her phone and tried them out, reciting them as they painted the walls a beautiful light green.

And then, she felt Alex’s arms around her. She felt his kisses along her neck.

A part of her hoped the baby would get here already so they could finally, finally be a family of three. Another part of her wanted to enjoy every last minute of this gorgeous pregnancy era, a time of hunkering down and growing and nourishing. A time—as her mother called it—of nesting.

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