Page 70 of When It Rains He Pours

Chapter Eighteen

Glory

Opening the door, Idropped my bag on the floor and walked around the room. It was surreal, like I had stepped through a portal that brought me back almost a decade.

Running my fingers across the porcelain dolls on the shelf by my dresser, I couldn't believe that my mother hadn't changed a thing.

The same floral bed spread was on the mattress, a small cluster of stuffed animals were positioned on the pillow. All the ribbons and trophies I had won during softball and gymnastics were sitting in the same spots I had put them back when I was kid.

It's like a damn time capsule. She didn't get rid of anything.

After getting discharged from the hospital, my mother convinced me to come stay with her for a little bit until I was completely healed and everything got situated. I wasn't sure exactly where my life was going at that point, so I hesitantly agreed.

There was a time where I thought I had it all figured out, and until recently, I had somehow pulled the wool over my own eyes and actually thought I did. But the world had other plans for me, awful plans that left me questioning where the hell this road was taking me.

I was left hanging in limbo, waiting on everyone else to tell me what to do next. There were no answers, there was no giant arrow showing me where to go. I had never felt so lost before.

What are you supposed to do when the world you knew was suddenly tossed upside down?

What the hell am I doing?

Picking up a stuffed penguin off the pillow, I held it in my hands and stared into its lifeless glass eyes. I could see my reflection in its gaze, and I couldn't help but notice that my eyes looked just like the penguin's.

There was nothing there, no emotions, no feeling, no life. . .

Who am I without my art?

“You getting settled in?” My mom popped her head in the doorway and leaned against the frame.

“Yeah, it's kinda weird though.” Dropping the penguin back onto the bed, I twisted to look at her.

She looked so tired, weathered in a way that made me sad for her. We had become the same person in so many ways. We had lost control of our lives, both of us walking this road to nowhere with no idea how to get off.

The lines on her face had thickened overnight, thick creases worked their way across her forehead, the crows feet at the corners of her eyes had turned to talons. She spoke with a voice that didn't sound like the woman I grew up with.

Her tone was always flat, lacking depth and emotion, as if she was hanging on by a thread and waiting for it finally break.

And I guess, for the first time ever, I understood her. I could see the suffering and confusion that plagued her every day.

I had spent so much time dwelling on my own feelings that I never stopped and thought about what she was going through.

My heart ached to tell her how sorry I was for being distant. If I was hurting this much inside not knowing where Liam was or if he was ever coming back to me, what was the weight she had carry for my father?

I loved him, and the fact that he was gone, it killed me. If I hurt that much for a man I had just begun to love, I couldn't even imagine the pain she truly felt and dealt with everyday since my father had left us.

“Well, things are different now, it's never going to feel the same.” Her eyes filled with distant tears as she looked around my room. “Nothing in the house will ever feel the same.”

“I'm sorry, Mom.”

“Sorry?” she asked, her brows angling down. “Sorry for what?”

“I'm sorry I left you when you needed me most, I'm sorry I wasn't here for you to cry with when Dad passed and that I've been gone for so long.”

“You haven't been gone, Honey, you've just been dealing with it the way you needed to.”

“No, I was gone, and I shouldn't have been. I should have been here for you, I haven't been a good daughter.”

“Don't say that.” Blinking her eyes, the tears trickled slowly down her cheeks as she stepped into the room and pulled me in for hug. “You are an amazing daughter, but it's not your responsibility to help me. I'm your mother, and if you needed the space to deal with all this, I was alright with that.”

---