Page 19 of Calm Before the Score

“How was living on your own in high school? That seems really hard.” Ryan is still rubbing my arm, and I may faint if he stops. It’s the only thing keeping me grounded.

“It was hard, but we took care of each other. It always felt like it was us against the world. When he got a full ride to Springs U, he promised to get us a permanent place that I could share with him. We used our extra scholarship money to pay rent for the entire year up front.”

“You’re really strong, you know that, right?” he asks.

I turn to face him, and he’s staring at me with so much intensity that the room narrows. He’s gotten me to open up to him about things that live only in my mind. After what I just told him, he should think I’m weak and pathetic for relying on Hartley’s help so much. Instead, he thinks I’m strong.

“What changed?” I ask.

“What do you mean?” he answers.

“With me. I thought you hated me, or at least you were indifferent towards me,” I admit honestly. Part of my anxious thoughts is compulsivelyneedingto know where I stand. I shut out most friendships and relationships because I can’t take the uncertainty.

“I don’t know. I tried to stay away because I wanted to respect Hartley, but you have a pull that I can’t explain,” he says.

“Is this a game?”Get it together. Don’t show him this side of you.

“No,” he says with a clipped tone, “I won’t lie and say I know exactly what I’m doing here, but I don’t play games.”

“Ok,” I say.

“My mom’s sick,” he blurts out. Seeing storms in his lost eyes squeezes my heart. This feels like something that not many people know, and I want him to feel as safe as he made me feel.

He continues, “She has ALS. It doesn’t get better. Today is the best it’ll ever get. She’s on a steep decline, and I’m all she has.” I grab his hand that isn’t curled around me. They are rough and calloused but so warm. I climb onto his lap so that we are face to face. I need him to feel my presence. Words aren’t enough right now. His hands drift to my waist, then to my thighs. He gently rubs the skin just below the hem of my pajama shorts.

“Nothing in my life has ever felt permanent. I don’t take risks.”

“I get it,” I whisper as I assure him with my eyes to keep going.

“The day I got her diagnosis, something died inside of me. I don’t ever think I’ll get it back,” His eyes pierce through my heart, looking for something to hold on to. There’s so much more to Ryan than I realized. He holds it all in. It’s easier for him to push people away than to let them see the real him.

“It’s ok to let me in,” I assure him. I could tell him how it’ll be ok. I can tell him how everything is going to work out, but it’s not. He needs to know that he can trust me and let me into his darkness. I lean into him for a gentle kiss. This one is different from the other kisses we’ve shared. It’s not rough, desperate, or fueled by alcohol. My arms stay hooked around his neck while his arms are firmly placed on my thighs. I grant him access to my mouth and take in the woodsy scent I love so much. My body fits in his lap perfectly. The way he envelopes me oozes comfort. We don’t stay in the kiss for long, not tonight. He places me back on his chest. His strong heartbeat against my ears puts me in a deep sleep.

16

Ryan

The rustling of blankets and sweet vanilla smell of Violet’s hair wake me up, but I don’t want to move just yet. The night before was full of wine, dancing, and questionable decisions. We needed this power nap. Practice wore me out. I didn’t expect to open up to Violet about my mom, but those big blue eyes could get me to do a lot of things. This is the most peaceful sleep I have had in months, with Violet nestled in my arms.

Sleep doesn’t come easy to me. I have too much on my mind to put it to rest. Waking up from a nap with a beautiful girl against me isn’t new territory. The difference is I don’t want this moment to end. Even one more minute next to her is a win. No one stays in my life long enough for me to become attached, and I don’t allow myself to let anyone inside my head or heart. I’ve been through enough heartbreak and letdown to ever open myself up for failure again. I’ve been done with hope for years, but Violet is a glimmer of hope I’ve never had.

The pull she has on me is different than anything I’ve ever experienced. She makes me believe there is still a reason to look forward to the future. Something about her draws me in,even when I try my best to stay away. When she walks into a room, people notice. She’ll deny it. Maybe becauseshedoesn’t even notice the effect she has on people. That girl has a warm presence about her that makes me want to know every single thing in that pretty head of hers.

She shared a lot with me tonight, and it made my heart grow bigger for her. She’s stronger than she looks and stronger than I’ll ever be. She tries to blend in, but she does the opposite. She doesn’t lead conversations. She surrounds herself with resilient personalities to lean on.

As I’m daydreaming about Violet, I’m jolted by a slamming door followed by a screaming buffoon. I’d recognize that voice anywhere.

Woo hoo, Hartley is home.

“Someone better tell me what’s going on right now before I lose my mind.”

“You already have Hartley. I’m exhausted, and you’re acting like a maniac,” Violet murmurs against my chest. She’s still half asleep, but Hartley isn’t having it.

“Iwill notlower my voice when my best friend is about to get naked on our couch with my teammate.” Hartley throws his hands up and down, pointing directly at us where we are both fully clothed.

“We were not about to get naked,” Violet and I answer him calmly followed by a chuckle. She lifts her soft hair off my chest, and I place my hand over hers. The loss of contact hits me hard. I must have a death wish.

“Liars.He’s grabbing your hand, and you were all cuddled up against him. I will take you to the ground, Shane.” He lunges at me, but I don’t move. I’m much bigger than Hartley, and we’ve been through this stunt before.

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