Page 29 of Calm Before the Score

“Babe, give me a minute.”

As soon as we pull into an empty pump, I unbuckle my seat belt and adjust the seat back as far as it can go. After creating more space, I gesture for her to climb onto my lap. I need her close. She does without hesitation and opens her mouth to talk. Before any words leave her, I gently place my finger over her lips.

“The reason I pulled off is because I needed to be close to you as soon as possible, and I need to make sure you hear what I say next.” She looks at me with those diamond-cut blue eyes that, I swear, are piercing through my soul at every moment.

“What you told me doesn’t scare me. It makes me fall in love with you more than I already am.”

“L..L.. Love me? You just said you love me. Take it back right now. You haven’t experienced all of me, and you’re not allowed to say that until you have seen everything.” She gapes at me like a deer caught in the headlights.

I shake my head. “Not taking it back.” I grab her hands and hold them tight against my chest. “Never will.” I pepper kisses along her neck. “ Do you think that I’m the type to run at the first sight of trouble? I run towards the fire, Vi. Always have. I want to burn in the flames together, you and me. I want us to smolder when it’s over and fade into the smoke with you.”

She quickly cuts in, “It isn’t easy. I can barely handle it, and no one has ever seen it up close and personal like you will this week. I can keep it together for a night or two, but it eventually shows. Hartley hasn’t even seen it all. I keep the worst nights to myself.”

“I want you. I want every single part of you. The parts that you think are broken are the parts that have patched me back together. Just let me know how I can help you.”

She grabs my neck and squeezes so tight that I think I may lose air. Her fingernails carve little crescents into my neck, and it’s the best type of hurt. If I die like this, I’ll die happy. I pull her away slightly and kiss her soft vanilla lips that grant me access.This is the most vulnerable she has ever been. I love every side of her. Her hips roll into me, and I let out a groan. I tip my head back to collect myself.

We’re in a gas station parking lot, Ryan. Get your head together.

She’s so sexy, and I lose control in her presence. When she’s on my lap, I feel the bond we share. Her body molds perfectly together with mine. We kiss for what feels like hours until we finally break apart.

“Stay right here. I need to run in for something.”

I return to the car with a jumbo pack of original M&Ms and shake the bag between us.

“Yes.” She pumps her fists in the air. "Take some now before I eat the entire bag.” I smile as she giggles and rips the bag from my grip. The candy is fully in her space, and it doesn’t look like she has any intention of sharing. The sound of her laugh is ingrained in my brain as my favorite sound to ever exist. She strategically pulls out each blue M&M first, gathers them in her palm, and tosses them back. How did I miss the signs of my girl struggling with OCD? I guess I haven’t spent the night much, and when I did, we were so consumed with exhaustion that I didn’t bother to notice. She crunches, chews, and swallows as I pull onto the main highway before she touches the base of my neck and whispers, “Ryan, I love you, too.” She stares off out the window, and I ride the rest of the way with the biggest smile on my face.

Violet

Ryan tells me we are close, but the panic I felt in my chest is completely gone. The drive to his mom’s house is about half an hour, but I wish it was longer. I feel relieved after telling Ryan about my struggles with OCD. I’ve had these rituals for as long as I can remember, but the only person who really knows about it is Hartley. He’s the only one who knows has access to my secretsand insecurities, but now Ryan does, too. What I thought would make me want to vomit and cause him to run in the opposite direction actually feels amazing to get off my chest.

It feels good to let someone in and not carry all of the burdens of my life on my own. I gave him a part of myself that no one else has. He’s about to experience my deepest flaw and my most irrational mindset up close and personal. In my heart, I know it will be ok. He won’t run from me. Ryan has opened up to me about his mom, but I know he still guards secrets tight to his chest.

Ryan turns left into the driveway of his childhood home. The house is made of red, worn-down bricks and a white door. It’s more inviting than any place I’ve ever lived. There’s a small wrap-around porch with a “Welcome Snowmies” sign hanging from the door. I hope she likes me. I never had a place that I considered home. Grandpa’s house was where I lived, but everything always felt temporary. I wasn’t stupid. I knew his age and his health issues.

“We’ll get the bags out later. I want to make sure you meet Mom before she heads to bed. Some nights are more exhausting for her than others.” He explains. “Oh, and there’s no such thing as ThanksgivingthenChristmas to her. She’s one of those holly-jolly people that skip right over turkey day.”

I nod, appreciating him sharing this small detail with me. Before I really got to know the real Ryan, he masked everything with crude remarks and short answers, but he’s different now.He’s mine.Before we can knock on the worn door, it flies open, and a petite woman screams for Ryan to give her a hug. My heart melts into a puddle as Ryan embraces his mom, her fragility not well concealed. She has short brown hair, not long enough to pull back. She’s wearing black stretch pants and a purple shirt.

“Mom, I want you to meet…” Before he can finish, his mom cuts in and says, “This must be the girl I’ve been waitingmy entire life for! Ahhh! Ryan, why didn’t you tell me you were bringing someone?! I would have cooked or cleaned or something!” She fusses at Ryan, but her tone shows it’s all in love.

“I didn’t want to spoil your Christmas gift. Aren’t you glad I didn’t shop for clothes again?”

“Blessings come in all forms, love. Violet, I’ve been dying to meet you. My son is a man of few words, and I needed all the details about his dream girl!” She chuckles as she stares at me with adoration and love. She doesn’t know me at all, yet she looks at me like I’m her second favorite person.

“Jesus, Mom, jumping right in, aren’t you?” Ryan replies with a hint of embarrassment.

I have never experienced anything like this before. My parents dashed the minute I was born, and all I have ever known was my grandpa. He did a phenomenal job raising me, but nothing really compares to maternal love. She grabs me and wraps me up in her tiny, cold arms. I return the gesture and squeeze her tight enough to let her know I am grateful to be here.

“Thank you so much for having me. I hope it’s ok that I’m here. Ryan didn’t want me to spend the holiday alone, but I swear I would never do anything to come in between the time he has with you.”

“Don’t be silly. You being here has made my dreams come true. You have no idea,” she says as her hands grab my shoulders. Her smile beams wide.

“Grab your bags and come in! We have lots of catching up to do, and I refuse to miss any details.”

“I’ll grab the bags, babe. You can head in.” Ryan paints a soft kiss on my forehead and walks to the car.

I follow his mom into a house that feels like the inside of a Hallmark Christmas movie, dressed in classic decorations, most of them looking vintage. The tree is decked with tinsel andbubble lights. The mantle above the fireplace has five Santas dressed in different outfits, and a candle burning smells like peppermint hot cocoa. Ryan was right about her love for the holidays. I feel more connected to his mom because I’m also one of those Christmas fanatics.

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