Page 32 of Calm Before the Score

With his cryptic and snappy answer, he gets up quickly from the kitchen table, not bothering to tuck his chair back into its place, and leaves. I’m left alone, feeling like a confused idiot. Instead of staying at the table for his mom to walk out and see me pathetically staring at the door her son just stormed out of, I go back into his bedroom.

Something is wrong.Did I do something? Why is he so short-tempered today?His behavior this morning reminds me of the Ryan I met at the beginning of the semester. The one that didn’t let me into his life and shut everyone out. Now I know that’s a facade. I don’t want him to go back to that version of himself, but I’m worried he’s slipping from me. Is he stressed seeing his mom’s condition? Or is it something more?

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Violet 1 p.m.: Are you ok?

Violet 5 p.m: I’m starting to worry.

Ryan 5:30 p.m.: I’m fine. I’ll be home soon.

Ryan returned home late this afternoon. He sits on his spot on the bed and stares off into space. I’m beyond annoyed that he didn’t seem to think it was important to reply to my texts or let me know where he was going. We haven’t said much to each other, and his mom hasn’t come out of her bedroom today.

While he was gone, I reviewed the syllabi of my new course load and packed my things to leave in the morning. I kept up the silent treatment and headed into the bathroom to shower for the night, spending more time than usual in the hot water. After my shower, I applied my skincare treatment routine in no rush to return to my moody boyfriend. He has no right to treat me like this, even if he is angry. I can’t control that.

I chose to wear one of Ryan’s football shirts tonight. Even though I would love to wring his neck, I like the way his clothes smell like mahogany and man. It helps me sleep. Silently walking out of his bathroom, I roll into the queen-sized bed next to the man I desperately love but can’t crack open. He gets up to turn the lights off. The bed bends when he returns. He suddenly pulls me to his bare chest and whispers, “Vi, I’m so sorry. For everything. I love you.”

I prop myself up on one arm. I can’t see his expression in the dark bedroom, so I speak my mind. “Then don’t shut me out. I thought we were past this part of us,” I plead for him to continue to let me in, but he doesn’t answer. His hands find my stomach under his enormous shirt, and he rubs circles on my skin, making it difficult to think straight.

“Why did you apologize?” I ask.

“Because I needed to.” His answers continue the vague theme. That’s not the answer I want or need.

“You can tell me what’s bothering you. We’ll figure it out together.”

“Everything is fine, Vi. Just promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“Don’t give up on me. P..Please, no matter how much I screw up, don’t leave. I..I need you.” The pain is evident in his cracking voice.

His heart wants to give me the information that I so desperately need, but his head stops him. This man can’t get out of his own way. I change tactics because words are useless tonight. Giving him time will hopefully allow him to confide in me. Instead of continuing my pursuit for answers, I lean on his chest and kiss him softly, nuzzling my head into his neck for the night. I won’t continue to push him, but something unsettling is happening. I hope and pray love is enough for us because I can’t imagine a life without Ryan Shane in it now that I have him.

22

Ryan

Iwanted to tell her, but I couldn’t. She would look at me with pity. I couldn’t stomach seeing the broken reflection in her eyes. She would tell me there is another way to fix this. There might be another way for someone else, but for me, in this lifetime, there isn’t.

When I left her sitting at the kitchen table, I wanted to punch a hole through the wall and destroy everything I could get my hands on. I knew I was hurting her by shutting her out the way I did, but I couldn’t see another way around it besides lying. Confusion was written all over her face. Concern etched deep in her brow. I needed to walk out and clear my head. The same conversation kept replaying in my head over and over like a broken record of the worst song ever produced.

“Mr. Shane, yes, your mother’s treatment cost has increased substantially. After running the claim through her insurance, we’re looking at roughly five hundred dollars per visit.”

I called the doctor’s office as soon as I walked out of my mom’s room. The call ended before Violet snuck up on me in thekitchen. I had already made up my mind that no matter the cost, I would get the money.

A legal way? No.A way that could change the course of my future forever? Yes. Whatever. It needs to be done. I don’t have a future anyway if I lose her.

“When is the money due? I can pay one month at a time. Please tell me this will get her back on schedule.”

“Yes. We can do that, Mr. Shane.”

You know the rest. What you don’t know is that after I stormed out of the kitchen and didn’t come back until dark. I made a call to an old friend, Logan Jones. Friend isn’t exactly the right word. He doesn’t care about me or look out for my best interest like a good friend would.

With shaky hands, I jump in my car to minimize the risk of someone in the neighborhood hearing my conversation. I unlock my phone and stare at the contact info of the person I thought I removed from my life permanently. I thought I gave up that part of my life long ago. Springs U gave me a new purpose. If I kept up the football seasons I’ve been having, I would be a first or second-round draft pick. I thought I had a future with the shy girl that bulldozed my life and turned it upside down. That future may have included a decent house, wife, kids, and a white picket fence. Dreams of a better life disappeared before my eyes when Logan answered the call after two short rings.

“Shane. Long time no see. Whatcha been up to, man? Miss the old game?” He chuckles into the phone as if I’m not single-handedly ruining my life with this call. Logan is twenty-five. When I met him in high school, he had already dropped out.

“Cut the crap Logan. You’re still in the books, right?”

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