Page 55 of Calm Before the Score

My heart flutters without permission.Stupid heart.Ryan talks with absolute certainty. It’s as if he’s a new person. A better version of himself that I never knew existed.

“I’m banned from college football, but I’m ok with it, Vi. I’ve never felt more at peace with my life because there are no more secrets. No more pressure. I can just bemefor once.”

“If you’re banned from football, how are you going to stay at Springs U?” I ask.

“I’m not.”

“What do you mean?”My heart hurts because as much as this man has hurt me over the course of the last few months, the thought of him leaving terrifies me.

“I’m taking the rest of the semester off to work on myself. I need to clear my mind before I can worry about school again,” he says.

“That’s great, Ryan. I’m happy for you.” I smile at him.

“I’m going to enroll in online classes next year at the community college in town. I can work full time and bring my mom to her appointments if she needs.”

“You seem better,” I say. “Not that you weren’t ever perfect to me before, but you seem-calm, at peace.” His hands reach formine, and I allow him to cradle them in his. I missed this. The rough calluses across his fingertips circle my small hands.

“I am, but I’m missing the most important piece of my life, and-”

“Alright." Liza bursts through the wooden door. "Time's up. She’s coming with me!” Liza screams into the empty alley, pointing to her Apple watch timer. I can clearly see that her timer wasn’t set. She’s so ridiculous, and I love her for it.

“Liza, add ten more minutes to that timer. I swear I’m okay. I need to finish this.” I wave my hands to tell her that she can go back inside. She shoots a scowl my way and turns back to go inside. I need to have this conversation to heal and move forward.

“I need you, Violet,” Ryan blurts out. “If it wasn’t completely obvious, I’m a mess without you. You’re the only thing that brings the good out in me.”

“Don’t say that.” I yank my hand from his. He can't waltz back into my life and say things that make my heart skip more than a few beats.

“It’s the truth. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and I shattered your trust, but please, don’t say no,” he begs.

For a moment, I almost give in and collapse into the strong arms that I once called home, but I don’t. It’s time to fight for myself.

“I need time. I can’t be in a relationship with you right now. I don’t trust you, and without trust, we're bound to fail.”

“Promise me you won’t shut me out forever. I’ll wait as long as it takes to prove to you how serious I am about us. There’s no time frame on this. I’m here when you’re ready to have me,” he says. I melt at his words, but in my heart, I know I can’t put trust in him. I don’t want to fall back into a relationship without trust. I need space to clear my mind and figure out what I want and need.

“I won’t, but I need space for a while to figure out who I am. Independence is important to me.”

“I know, baby,” he says with the casual nickname that sends flutters to my stomach. “I’m ready for you when you’ll have me, but is there anything I can do in the meantime to help you?” He holds my hand in a tight grip, questioning his every move to make sure I'm confortable. My mind spirals to when his lips were on mine, and I want them back desperately. If I don’t walk away from him now, I never will.

“Earn my trust. Show me that you can turn this around.” I kiss him gently on the cheek to show him that there's still a chance in the future. “See you later, Ryan.” I leave him at the table to join Liza in the bar. My knees wobble, and my head is clouded with confusion. I can’t say goodbye to him, now, or ever, sosee you laterwill have to do.

35

Violet

Afew weeks have passed since Ryan and I’s emotional conversation at the bar. That night, I dissected our interaction one hundred different ways with Liza. She listened to me repeat the same story over and over and didn’t complain once. Her advice was to let him come to me. Be open-minded and allow him the chance to win me over. It’s hard when all I want to do is be in control of this situation, but it’s not best for either of us.

Gearing up for class, I throw on my leggings and Springs U baggy T-shirt. It’s a messy bun day because–why not? Slinging my bookbag on my tense shoulders, I fling the apartment door open and stop dead in my tracks. Sitting perfectly on my welcome mat is a vase filled with sunflowers and a card. I grab the beautiful bouquet from the ground and admire them. I lean my nose into the flowers and take a deep whiff. Ilovethe scent of fresh flowers.

I return to the apartment to place the flowers in a vase with water. I carefully empty the little packet of flower vitamins and admire how much brightness they bring to the apartment.Heading out, I stick the card in my book bag and head to class. I’m not ready to open it yet. Iknowwho this is from, and I need to clear my head before reading his words.

Class goes by quickly, and I do my best to distract myself from the card by taking over-the-top notes. Leaving class, I hop in my car and head to work. Work has become a lifeline these past few weeks. It keeps my mind busy from wandering to Ryan and I’s relationship limbo. I’m a few minutes early, so I pull off to the beach. The beautiful part ofCoastal Booksis that you can walk straight out of the bookstore and onto the beach. I park my car and ditch my worn sandals, going barefoot. Before leaving, I grab the card out of my book bag.Now or never.There aren’t many people out today, so it’s the perfect place to decipher through my thoughts. As the golden hour serenity splashes across the horizon, the waves crash into the bright sand. Finding a spot, I sit crisscross and open the card. Inside lies a handwritten note on a piece of lined paper.

Violet,

I’ve been thinking about us for the past few weeks, and I finally know what you are to me: sunshine. The beacon of light in the darkness of my mind. I searched the store for the perfect bouquet to represent you, and sunflowers seemed like a no-brainer. I want to give you the time and space you deserve, but I can’t lie and say it’s easy. If I can’t be near you, I’ll write to you. I’m figuring out some things on my end and deciding which path I need to take to change my life. I hope to make you proud, but I also hope to make a life that I’m proud of.

Ryan

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