Page 102 of The Drummer

My head is still grindingwhen I return from the gym. Already on edge from the repeated blows this morning, my unsettling encounter with Orin pushed me off the ledge. It took a very long time to work off the demons crawling in and around me. I could barely walk by the time I made myself quit. No point adding physical trauma to my long list of mental ones.

Callie is in the kitchen, and just seeing her ignites a spark in the shadows crowding my soul. I hesitate to approach for her sake. She understandably wanted space, but I have nowhere else to go, and honestly, after what just happened with Orin, I’m in desperate need of a brush with the opposite end of the humanity spectrum.

She glances up from the bagel she’s preparing and offers a tight smile.

“Hit the gym?” she asks in a forced casual tone.

I nervously play with the edge of the towel slung over my shoulder.

“Had to work off some steam.” I manage a diplomatic smile as well.

She shifts on her feet, and for a brief moment looks like she’s going to say something. I’m disappointed when she shakes it off and picks up the plate on the counter.

“Okay. Well, we’re watching spy movies in the back.”

She moves toward the hall and it physically hurts to have her light ripped away. I know it’s my fault. I know it’s not fair. But after everything… God, I feel so alone again. So scared and helpless and I just can’t handle being on bad terms with her as well.

“Callie, wait. Please.”

She pauses, and I hold my breath.

When she turns, her expression is unreadable.

I swallow the pang in my chest. “I’m sorry about earlier. I just need you to understand that it’s not you. Please know that.”

“Yeah. It’s not you, it’s me. Got it.” She spins on her heel back toward the hall.

“Stop! Will you just stop?” I reach for her arm, and pull her too close again.

Gorgeous hazel eyes peer up at me, glistening in the sunlight like they’re reflecting the depths of her inner radiance. I’m a moth to a flame. A vampire who’s been staked and drained over and over. My gaze drops to her lips, and she rips her arm away.

Her gaze narrows with justifiable resentment.

“What is your problem, Casey? What do you want from me? You want to fool around for a bit before you head back on tour with your real model girlfriends? I’m not interested in that, okay? I was pretty sure you were smart enough to pick up on that.”

I reel from the blow, not because of her words, but because she’s right. None of this is fair to her. She’s the only blameless one in this entire nightmare and we keep jerking her around to suit our needs.

Somehow I need her to know this. To understandwe’rethe damaged ones, not her. Images of the last few days crash into me. All the laughter and smiles. The admiration in her eyes when she looks at me. I know she’s not using me like others do,but it doesn’t mean she hasn’t idealized me into a fantasy I can never live up to.

She wants me to be her rock, Luke’s savior, and right now I feel just as weak and broken as anyone.

“It’s not like that, Callie. I don’t know how to explain it. I just don’t want to hurt you. I’m afraid I’m not what you think. I’m afraid I can’t live up to your expectations. I mean, I’m not…”

The prince you think I am.

I’m not… enough.

“At the end of the day, I’m just a guy,” I say instead.

I wince at her harsh laugh.

“Myexpectations?”she fires back. “I didn’t even have any! I wasn’t interested in Casey Barrett, the rockstar. I don’t know him! I was interested in Casey Barrett, the seventh son of Mr. and Mrs. Barrett of Houston, Texas. The guy who would stand beside his friend when no one else saw any reason why he should. The guy who didn’t shy away from someone else’s puke, or late nights, or fights with a powerful label because they were hurting someone he loved. The guy whose smile literally got me through the last few days of emotional hell, and who’s been nothing but a rock for all of us.”

Angry tears cloud her eyes and she wipes them away with rough movements. I feel like shit. Worse than shit. All I wanted to do was fix a mess, and instead I made a bigger one.

“I was interested in the guy who was finally starting to make me believe in myself,” she continues, burning a hole through my heart. “So if you’re not actually that guy, then I guess you’re right. We can just end this, whatever it is, now with a clean break.”

She doesn’t wait for a response when she spins around and escapes into the shadows.

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