Page 10 of Tracing Holland

There’s no mercy for the fallen, no apologies for my prison.

Brave boy, sure you’re ready for this?

Last chance, are you ready for this?”

The lights go out and a dramatic silence descends over the darkness.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought!”she cries into the void.“But you’ll take it anyway.…Here we go!”

I’m not sure I move the entire time I watch Holland’s set.The way she commands the stage, her confidence, her authenticity, her incredible music, Callie was right, it’s magnetic.I’m disappointed when I have to leave to take care of some last minute preparations before my own show.Well, part of me is disappointed.Another part is grateful.That would be the part that recognizes the emergence of these sudden crackling emotions but has no interest in solving, let alone engaging, them.

There’s no denying I’ve been touched by what I just saw, I just don’t have a handle on what that means or what to do with it.Holland Drake is a special talent.It’s etched into her very presence that makes you stop and take notice.She deserves every bit of her success and recent accolades, and I almost find it funny that she’d been so amazed and honored by my attention to her work when I’m standing here brimming with questions for insight into her own.

Still, I don’t know that I’m ready for a new friend or, more specifically, the effort it would take to cultivate another relationship when I’m really only good at screwing them up.The fact that watching Holland has stirred something deep, something that scares the crap out of me, is all I need to decide it’s better to leave that whole thing well enough alone.

It’s already been a heavy day for me, and a brutal opening to our tour in general.I hope I’m strong enough to survive the next three months, but it’s hard to be optimistic when two days has felt like two weeks.At this rate, there is no chance in hell I make it to November.I’ll be lucky to make it to New Orleans.

3

New Orleans, Louisiana

September 14

According to Kenneth’s bulleted, outlined, and color-coded schedule for the day, a continental breakfast will be available in catering until 11:00am.It had been a long night of performance, teardown, loading, and driving, so I’m not surprised when I’m one of the few who dares to venture from the bus before lunch.I’m not even hungry, just in desperate need of a change of scenery.I slip off the bus as quietly as possible and make my way toward the designated food hangout of our latest venue, an arena in New Orleans.

I never did tell Casey and Callie about my trip to visit Elena’s grave.It was an important, but difficult, milestone on my journey, and I’m not ready to talk about it yet.Besides, if I know them at all, they’ll feel guilty, or something ridiculous like that, for letting me go alone, even though that’s exactly what I needed.At some point they’re going to have to let me spread my wings and attempt this “life” thing on my own.

I hear voices as I approach the open door and hesitate when I recognize Holland’s.

“I’m so sorry to hear all of that, Steven.You take all the time you need, ok?”Her tone is gentle, and I can sense the compassion even from this distance.

“Thank you so much.I hate to leave you right at the beginning, though,” the other voice replies.Young, male.

“I know.But your family comes first.We’ll be fine.Don’t worry about us.I’m sure the NSB crew can help us until we get someone else in here.”

“Ok.Well, tell them to call me as soon as they can.They need to make sure they do everything right.”

Holland chuckles.“Of course.We’ll make sure everything is perfect.Oh, wait, here’s my cell number just in case.Let me know if there’s anything you need.I told Darlene to cover your ticket home, so stop in and connect with her next.”

“What?No, Holland!That’s not…”

“Stop!It’s not a big deal.Just take care of your family, ok?”

“Thank you.I…” I can hear the emotion in his voice.

“It’s nothing.Thanks for all you do.Take as much time as you need and we’ll see you when you get back.”

“Thank you.Thank you!”

I wait until “Steven” exits the room and shuffles past before making my own entrance.When I do, I also see Jesse, Parker, and Reece from Limelight, along with a few crewmembers, seated around various tables.We exchange some polite greetings and I continue toward Holland who’s scanning the table of assorted bagels, pastries, and fruit.

“Morning,” I say, grabbing a plate.

“Morning,” she replies.Her smile is genuine today, and I relax a little.

“Losing Steven?”

She sighs and shakes her head.“Yeah, so sad.His grandmother just passed.I sent him home to be with his family.Poor kid.”

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