Page 101 of Tracing Holland

I feel their eyes in my back.They’re concerned and they should be.Because right now, all I want is to be alone with my darkness.

“Luke, you coming?”

“Be out in a minute,” I lie from the back.I close my eyes and lean against the backrest of the couch, fighting to hold my head together.I hate this sudden meltdown.I hate that the fact that I understand it does nothing to help me stop it.I hate that I’m too weak to control my own thoughts.God, I just hate right now.

I’m not surprised by the backslide, but there’s no rejoicing over the few extra seconds you get to study the cliff before you slam into it.These last few weeks have been brutal, and last night’s flashback with Jesse wrecked me way more than I’d anticipated.I was rock solid in the moment, but paid dearly the rest of the night as a captive audience to the silent movie replay behind my eyelids.Every dark tunnel and hippie flower graffiti wall that had ever imprisoned me in my protective substance-induced stupor seemed to flash in an endless stream of reminders about why I have no right to be here.I have no right to be here.I have no right to be here.I have no right to…

“Hey, can I come in?”

I force my eyes open at her voice.

Her voice.

“Yeah, sure, sorry.Just taking a break.”

She’s studying me.I’m sure she knows it’s the kind of break that doesn’t make sense to most people.The break from life.

She moves beside me and takes my hand, and I fight the urge to pull away.My head knows it would hurt her, not protect her, but the cloud is fighting hard to undermine my head.Empty place settings.Two Christmases alone before the weight of her massive mistake settles in.

“What are we doing, Holland?What are you doing?”I blurt suddenly.It comes out like a cobra strike.She recoils just as strongly.

“What do you mean?”

I face her, I have to, and brace myself even as the pain nearly crushes me.“You know what I mean.This.You and me.We have a connection, great, but what happens when the tour is over?What happens when your family calls you home for dinner?Then what?What happens when you realize that your give is astronomically bigger than your take?That I need you way more than you need me?”

She stares at me, her eyes.I can’t look at her eyes and lean forward instead, covering my face with my hands.

“No, Luke.No way.”

I still can’t look.

“Hey!Look at me!Face me!”she cries, jerking my arm.I do, but wish with all my soul I didn’t have to.“I don’t know what this is, but it’s not happening, ok?”

She gets up and moves toward the partition.

“Where are you going?”I call after her.

Her glare slices into me “You’re not breaking this off, Luke Craven.Got it?You’re having one of your dark days.Fine.Have a dark day, but I care about you and I’m not letting your bad day ruin the rest of our lives.I’ll talk to you later.”

She stops.“Oh, and be ready at five tonight because we’re having dinner with my parents.”

With that she’s gone.And it’s just me again.Just me and the thick air that never seems quite right for my lungs.Just me and my failed insecurities.Those damn insecurities didn’t stand a chance against Holland Drake.

“You look amazing,”I breathe when she meets me at the cab several hours later.She looks more than amazing.She looks like my second biggest regret if I had succeeded in my quest that morning.

“So do you,” she returns with a smile.“How are you feeling?”

“Better.”Holland had been right.I’d needed time alone to clear my head, not a broken heart.

She gives the driver the address to her parents’ house, and the car jumps into motion.

“Holland, about what I said this morning…”

“You don’t believe you’re good enough for me.Blah blah blah.Yeah, we’ve been over this,” she finishes for me, and I can’t stop the slow grin.

“Ok, but your parents…”

“Can’t wait to meet you.Anything else?”The clear challenge in her eyes shuts me up, and I shake my head with a shy smile.

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