Page 13 of Tracing Holland

“No, I guess I meant the one before that then,” I manage, my heart pounding.

Wes shrugs, and I swear there’s something dark in his expression.“Oh ok.Hey, you know what?Touring gets old.I totally got it when you left.”

I stifle my glare and start to gather my trash.“Sure.Thanks,” I mutter.“I should get going.”

“Hey, man, sorry.Didn’t mean to upset you.I just… you know… We all need a break every so often.No big deal.”

This time, I don’t even bother with polite pretense.He’s certainly not as he meets my gaze with a clear challenge.

“Enjoy your breakfast,” I spit, rising from the table.

“Luke!”Holland calls after me as I move toward the waste bin.I don’t want to turn around.I don’t need to see her face.I don’t need to know she agrees her lead guitar player is acting like an ass, but has to stay loyal to him anyway.I definitely don’t need to see his smug expression.I saw the obvious smirk before I was able to escape.They all love how far I fell.Watching me shatter for public consumption.I know it, I’m not an idiot, but it doesn’t mean I have to let them see how weak I still am.

I’m in the hall when footsteps clap toward me.I don’t want to turn around but have no choice when a hand grabs my arm and tugs me to a stop.

“Luke, I’m sorry.”It’s Holland looking up at me with a sincerity that touches something deep, something forgotten.“I don’t know why Wes said that stuff.He didn’t mean anything by it.”

“No?I’m pretty sure he meant a lot by it.”Her face falls, and I sigh.“Look, Holland, I get it.I’m not saying I don’t deserve that shit, but I also don’t need to sit around listening to it.Besides, I have to go see Gary about a problem with my pedal board anyway.We can do the J45 another time.”

“Luke, wait!Just…”

I pause and give her the floor, but suddenly she doesn’t seem to know what to do with it anymore.There’s that look again.Like she’s fighting herself more than anything.After a few more awkward seconds, I force a polite smile.I know she means well and deserves that at least.

“Seriously, thanks for the chat.I needed to laugh for a bit.Good luck tonight,” I answer.

She still looks like she wants to say something but doesn’t.Or can’t.Or won’t.I don’t know, but it’s not my problem.

“Thanks, you too,” she returns finally, and we exchange another awkward smile before going back to being unnatural strangers.

***

I’m in a weird place as I make my way out of the building.Torn between yesterday’s emotional reconnection with Ellie’s ghost and today’s sudden acknowledgement of Holland, I feel the guilt mount, almost anger at my traitorous body that’s still reacting to the effect of Holland’s penetrating, deep blue eyes.I close my own for a moment, trying to decide what to do next.I’m not ready for the bus and probing gazes of my friends, but I also have nowhere else to go.I kind of feel like writing, but I don’t have anything except my phone at the moment, so even that’s out.The weariness of the last few days is starting to catch up with me, which isn’t helping matters.

I sigh and drop to the steps outside of a service entrance, breathing in the warm morning air.The back of the building is alive with activity at this hour, and I find the din of muffled voices, idling truck engines, and crashing pallets, strangely comforting.There’s a pattern, an order to the chaos.An organic relationship between each role and sound that links them to each other and their world.Life makes sense for these people, in this block of time.They know what to do next, how they fit.Meanwhile, I can’t even seem to figure out the journey from breakfast to lunch.

I shift when I hear the door open behind me so the employee can pass, but I’m surprised when no movement follows.I open my eyes and squint up, nearly flinching at the blurry silhouette leaning over me, encased in sunlight.

“Took care of your pedal board issue already?”Holland asks with a knowing grin.She drops beside me on the step, forcing me to adjust my position.Her body is close, so close that I can smell the clean, fresh scent of her hair as she brushes against me.It’s not her fault, the stairs are narrow, and I swallow.There goes the dam on my blood again.God, it’s so annoying, and I’m so not in the mood to deal with it.

“Just enjoying a moment of peace and silence,” I respond, trying to sound much more relaxed than I feel.

Her gaze flickers to the line of trucks backed into the loading docks.

“Yeah, it’s quite the sanctuary out here,” she teases.I cast her a quick grin in spite of myself and shake my head.

I can feel her eyes as I look away again and focus on nothing in particular.Just as long as it’s not her.I don’t understand what she wants from me.

“So are you stalking me or something?”I toss casually.

“Don’t even pretend you’re not used to it.”

I smile again as she continues her assault on my sour mood and can’t believe I’m suddenly shy for some reason.No, I’m not used to being stalked by Holland Drake.I have a feeling I’d never get used to that.

“Honestly, no.It’s been a while since I’ve been properly stalked.I’ve been in hiding for a long time.”

“So I’ve heard.Lucky for you, I’m not your typical stalker.Definitely just a gateway fangirl.”

I laugh and glance over at her.“A gateway fangirl?What does that even mean?”

---