Page 29 of Tracing Holland

“And I will fight through the waves

To get to you, to get to you

And I will scream through the dark

Against the lies, against the lies that overtake me”

I don’t want it to end, I sense neither of us does, but there’s only so much time you can spend in another place before the dream dumps you back in the present.The small crowd erupts with applause and cheers when we finally bring the show to a reluctant close.Still, we barely hear them as we exchange a smile, our eyes speaking volumes about what just happened.An inexplicable protectiveness and warmth is washing over me as I force my gaze away and hand the guitar back to the boys.They are still in shock, but no more so than I am as I try to make sense of these new, tender feelings seeping into my darkness.I’m not sure I’m allowed to feel this way.For so many reasons.

I swallow hard, actually grateful for the cloud of mini golf scorecards that are suddenly shoved in my face for autographs.Nothing distracts from reality like playing the rock idol.

Holland grins and follows my lead, immediately transforming into her celebrity role.I find myself watching her every chance I get, admiring her casual grace as she interacts with her fans.Her authentic smile and sincerity is addicting, and there are several times I have to force myself to tear my eyes away to satisfy my own fan obligations.She’s mesmerizing.

It’sa good hour before we’re finally able to make a clean break and head back to the hotel.

I open the door to the lobby for Holland when we reach the entrance, but she doesn’t go inside.Instead, she hesitates, looking up at me with an expression that tugs at my heart.

“Can we not go in yet?”she asks quietly.

Confused, I nod and follow her to a bench near the entrance.She grasps my hand as we sit, pulling it close to her in a protective embrace.

“Is everything ok?”I ask, concerned by her sudden mood shift.I’m pretty sure her sad smile is supposed to soothe my fear, but only causes me to brace myself.

“It’s great, actually.That’s the problem,” she explains, confusing me further.She leans her head on my shoulder and studies the passing cars.“I just want to pretend for a few more minutes before we return to reality.”

Disturbed, I glance over for a better read.“What do you mean?”

She sighs.“You know what I mean.Pretending that what just happened today was real.That ‘this’ is real,” she explains, holding up our intertwined fingers.

I quiet.She’s right, I know exactly what she means.Today was a fantasy.Everything about this is a dream.

“Luke, I’m sorry.I know I’m not making this easy for you.I’m a hypocrite and contradicting myself.I know…” She pulls away and buries her face in her hands.“I just don’t know what it is with you.You’re this magnet for me.You break all my rules,” she whispers, finally looking back at me.“But my rules are there for a reason.”

She leans back, crossing her arms as she gazes back at the street.“And you have rules too, you know?You have so many rules, so much baggage, you don’t even know what to do with me and my rules.Today was fun, amazing actually, but it wasn’t real.”

She’s right, of course.I hate how fucking logical she is.

“I get it,” I say finally, and she turns to me abruptly.

“Do you?Really?Because I’m struggling really hard with this.I can’t get you out of my head and it terrifies me.”

I’m not sure how to respond to that.She doesn’t know what my head’s already done to her.But this isn’t about sex, and that’s the problem.We understand sex all too well.It’s the rest that’s keeping us apart, the fear of what we don’t understand, the part that’s ripping up the little we thought we did.

But it does make sense.It makes a hell of a lot of sense, even if the truth is killing both of us right now.I’ve done too much damage in my life to risk this magnificent soul beside me, and she’s fully aware of the kind of destruction that surrounds me.She’s too smart for that, too strong, and I wasn’t just speaking out of my ass earlier.I do get it.I understand.I don’t want to hurt her as much as she doesn’t want to be hurt by me.Neither of us trusts me with something so precious.I certainly don’t.

“I want to be friends, though,” she adds, and I almost laugh.It’s such an absurd statement and we’re both smirking at the cliché.

“Sure,” I answer, following the script like a pro.I start to get up from the bench, pretty certain our journey back to reality is brutally complete at this point.

“Luke, wait,” she says, grabbing my arm one last time.

I do, and give her my attention.

“You’re an amazing person.Just know I truly believe that.”

I force a smile.“Thanks,” I manage.“So are you.”

She doesn’t respond.She also doesn’t seem any more content than I am about my return to the lobby, alone.

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