Page 35 of Tracing Holland

“I’m sorry.You’re right.I’m not being fair,” she admits quietly, and I feel badly for hurting her.She wasn’t being fair, but I can tell she truly understands her offence and regrets her lack of control.The thing is, I understand it.I can’t control myself around her either.We’re playing with fire, we both know it, and we’re both dangerously addicted.It’s all right there in the pulsating tension between us.The looks, the stolen touches, the simmering flame just waiting for us to show weakness and explode into something we can’t restrain.

“Look, maybe we should just cancel this whole ‘friends’ thing,” I say after a long pause.Her eyes shoot to mine, and I soften.“I just don’t know how to be friends with you, Holland.And I think you’re having the same problem.”

“Luke…”

I give her a sad smile and sling the towel over my shoulder.“I’m not upset.I have complete respect for you and your rules.I even agree with them.I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship anyway.I may never be, and even if I was, no one would be ready for one with me.”

“Luke…stop…”

“No, it’s ok.Seriously, thanks for the time we’ve had.It really has been amazing, but we’re not helping ourselves by doing this.”I start toward the door of the building.

“Luke!”

I know I owe her a chance to speak as well, but I don’t think I can handle it.She has this way of cutting through my walls, and I need them as strong as possible right now.I keep going.

“Luke, please!Just stop for one second!”

I close my eyes.I can’t, can I?But god, I want to so badly.

I sigh and turn, immediately regretting it.She’s there, inches away.

“No,” she says.“No, it’s not ok.”And her lips collide with mine.

My body erupts in an immediate rush of fire I know I’ll never contain.I let her push me back against the wall of the pool deck, her fingers locked in my hair, mine in hers, pulling ourselves into each other.I can feel my skin absorbing hers with a desperation that’s knocking the air from our lungs.Minutes, hours, days of starvation explode on us, finally unleashing that reckless exploration of the forbidden.Our mouths, our hands, fight for every inch they can control, struggling to connect in an impossible union that will lead to the one place we both agreed we can’t go.We won’t go.

And suddenly, I’m terrified.How much of this is her?Me?How much is my need to be close to someone again?Her getting sucked into my deadly vortex?How much am I going to destroy her when this all crashes down?Because it will.It’s going to crash so hard and I’m going to have another victim I care about on my conscience.

I groan and push her away.“Stop!Wait.”My body is screaming.It’s never going to forgive me for this.I can see the hunger in her eyes as well, just ravaging us as we stare, breathing hard.

“This isn’t what you really want,” I whisper, searching her eyes with an anguish she returns.

“It is, Luke.I do.Please.”Her lips find mine again, her fingers sliding down my chest, circling my waist in a grip that sends my blood pounding to every cell, every recess of my being.She’s tugging at my suit now, lower, oh god.She’s so close, I know she can feel every hard inch of how much I want her too.She positions herself perfectly to invite it all, and I swear I hear the slightest groan as she pulls my hips into hers in an impossible invitation.Her intoxicating form is totally surrendered, her mouth denying me any arguments as she breathes me in.I’m going to lose if I don’t stop this.We both will.Oh shit.A couple years ago I wouldn’t have thought twice and now…

It takes every ounce of self-hatred I have left to force her hands away and gently push her back.“No.No!”I search her eyes.“You’re about to hook up with me.You don’t hook up with musicians, especially on tour.”

She shakes her head and closes the gap again, taking my face in her hands.“I know, but I don’t care about the rules anymore.The rules are bullshit!”

I flinch and pull away.“No, they’re not.They’re important to you.And they’re good.So good… Don’t you see what’s happening?This is what I do to people, Holland!This is how I hurt them!I infect them and turn them against themselves.I’m not doing it anymore.I’m not doing it to you!”

I know she’s hurt, but I’m completely gutted as I remove her hands from me and launch toward the lobby.This time, I’m running from myself as much as her.

“Luke, stop!Wait!”

She’s coming after me, but I don’t stop.I can’t.I’m not strong enough to keep fighting this.I frantically press the button to the elevator, but of course it doesn’t open in time to rescue us from this mess.She catches up just in time to jump in with me.

“We’re talking about this,” she states firmly.“You wanted that as much as I did.You still do.I know you do!”

I shake my head.“There’s nothing else to say.”I barely even notice the chill of the air conditioning on my wet body as the ice inside spreads to the surface.I can feel it begin to calm the fire, dissolve the warmth.I’m able to shutdown better than anyone.

“So what, you’re just going to deny what’s happening between us?”

“No, I’m going to ignore it,” I quip.

“What?How can you possibly ignore what just happened?”

I only shrug, knowing it’ll upset her.She curses and throws up her hands.“Seriously?God, you’re infuriating!”

I study the light moving over each number above the door.One… Two...Three.

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