Page 44 of Tracing Holland

I’ve never seen Callie so angry.

Casey looks ready to outright punch me.“I can’t believe you!Callie needed you last night and you go out and get wasted?What the hell is wrong with you?”Casey hisses, and I can barely breathe.

When the news broke about my wild slip-up last night, it broke violently.Callie’s grocery assault faded almost instantly as the photos of me partying hard at a nightclub seemed to grace every entertainment website and news outlet known to humanity.The pictures pretty much speak for themselves, which comes as a relief since I don’t have any other words right now.

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly.

“You’re sorry?What do you mean you’re sorry?Luke, stop!At least talk to us!Make us understand!”Callie calls after me as I flee back toward the safety of the cavernous venue.There’s no way I’m letting them trap me on the bus right now.I can hear Casey curse as I disappear into the building.

I tryto avoid them all as much as possible, but apparently that doesn’t amount to much in this latest nightmare.There’s nowhere to hide.Not today, anyway, and it just keeps getting worse.

“The blonde on the left was cute,” Holland quips as she passes me during my solitary journey to catering.“Not into the games, huh?Guess that just applies to beach games.”

I glance at her briefly, my stomach constricting in a painful ache.Holland…I hadn’t thought of her when I did it.Dammit!My impulse doesn’t think.It just acts and leaves the consequences for my brain to sort out.That wasn’t a problem when I didn’t have a conscience.When I didn’t have feelings.Poor choices work fine when you’re numb.Now, it’s crushing me.

I don’t know how to respond.There are no words.I can’t tell her the truth.No one can know.Not yet anyway.Not until Callie is safe.It’s too soon.

Holland’s not retreating as fast as she should be.She’s hoping I answer her challenge.I don’t know if she wants me to defend myself or fire back at her, but I can’t bring myself to do either.

“You know what’s funny, Luke?Since the day we met, I thought I was on to you.I thought I saw this good in you that you don’t seem to want to acknowledge in yourself.Even now, I can still see something hiding in there, and yet, I’m starting to get it now.Like, really get it.It doesn’t matter, does it?It doesn’t matter if there’s a light locked inside somewhere, because you will never let it shine.You will never let it out and you know it.That’s why you pushed me away, why you push everyone away.Because that light is buried so deep, and terrifies you so much, that you’d rather just bask in the darkness by yourself than deal with how hard it is to fight for who you could be.”

I can’t move.I’m completely paralyzed as I stare at her.Her words have annihilated me.Her resignation.This is it.She’s finally giving up for good.I’ve officially lost her.

“Thanks for not sucking me into your ‘disaster,’ I guess,” she mumbles, but the pain in her expression betrays her.“I definitely didn’t want to be ‘blonde number three’ in that photo.Kind of embarrassed I almost was.”

I flinch, stung by the blow, but manage to wait until she disappears to completely dissolve into the shadows.I’m no longer worried about food.There’s no way I’d be able to eat now anyway.

Despite the dramaand tension behind the scenes, we put on a good show in Richmond.We’re professionals, and I doubt there’s a single audience member who knows how torn up I am inside.I can hide in plain sight better than any person on this planet.

Holland and I skip the guest appearance that night, however, which I’m sure makes Wes happy.In fact, I don’t say another word to Holland after her rant and avoid her as much as possible.I avoid all of them, which proves to be a challenge considering our tight quarters and rigid schedule.Eli and Sweeny turn out to be the most supportive, strangely enough, and I sense it’s because they feel the least betrayed.My behavior was stupid, but not the personal affront it was to the others.

Even Jesse is more reserved with me the few times we interact, always just a polite greeting or uncomfortable smile away from total awkwardness.He must have been starting to warm to the idea of me as a mentor.I would have laughed at that thought a few months ago.Now it stabs at me way more than I care to admit.Dammit.Hadn’t thought about Jesse either.I don’t think.Or think too much, which is why things rarely work out for me.

Ok, so what I’d done was stupid, I’m getting that now, but I’d meant well.And it worked.Messed up or not in its conception, my plan worked.Everyone is talking about me.Everyone hates me again.Callie and her story aren’t even a blip on the radar anymore.But yeah, I could have done some more strategizing, more planning.I just hadn’t been able to bear the sight of her in pain and knew I’d be able to handle the abuse a lot better than she could.

The plan hatched in my head the second I saw her.My rock, my guardian angel, cut down and broken by the vultures.I didn’t know exactly what I was going to do, just that I had to take the attention away from her.I had to protect her any way I could.Casey could be her pillar of strength through the trial, but I was the one who could make it go away.And I had to.God, my brain just stopped functioning until it could think of a way to make her pain stop.

Then it all came crashing in a whirlwind of twisted logic.Since the day I’d come back, everyone from the nosy fan in line at the supermarket to the top Label execs has been waiting for me to screw up.Nobody except Callie, Casey, and maybe Holland, believed for a second that I could make this work, that I’d truly changed.What better way to turn the vultures back on me than give them reason to gloat about their premonitions, their favorite rotting carcass.Yep, there.Told you.Fucked it up, just like we said.

And so I did.Last night I leaked a series of old pictures to some prominent tabloids, as well as on my own accounts, and made sure to cover my lying ass by hiding out long enough to lend plausibility before returning to the bus.And yes, I know it’ll eventually come out that the pictures are old, that they weren’t taken anywhere near where I was last night, that actually we’ve seen them before.Hell, my hair isn’t even quite right, though we can chalk that up to the hazards of unbridled revelry; and those girls, while I’m sure they’d love another night out with me, know they didn’t get one.But by the time everyone figures that out, no one will be talking about Callie anymore, only wondering why the hell I’d do something like that.I didn’t think it would matter so much, that the lie would hurt like it does, but it’s too late.I did it, and now I have to live with the fact that everyone thinks I am the man I’m fighting so hard not to be.

In an impulsive reaction to protect someone I loved, I fell on my sword.And now, now I’m permanently impaled because I can’t let the truth burden them with an ounce of responsibility.I definitely don’t want them putting themselves back in the spotlight in an attempt to fix my ill-conceived mess.I don’t know what story I’ll use to explain it away when the truth comes out, especially since right now it’s just jumbled chaos in my head.I make bad choices, it’s what I do, but the thing is, I can’t get a handle on whether this was a bad one or not.I feel this strange mix of regret, relief, and sadness, and I have no idea how to process it all.

I can’t even decide if I love or hate myself right now.I just know it’s done, and now I’m standing at the edge, staring down into the latest grave I’ve dug for myself.Luke the Dandelion.Luke the Train-Wreck.Luke the Liar.Luke the Gravedigger.

I’m a freaking Halloween parade.

I seeI missed a call from Dr.Flynn and sigh in resignation.I know what she wants.She’s got a TV and internet connection just like everyone else.I close my eyes and shove my phone back in my pocket, relieved there’s no way I can call her back and have that conversation on the bus anyway.She’ll just have to wait until we get to Baltimore.

8

Baltimore, Maryland

September 22

“Thanks for returning my call,” Dr.Flynn says, and I squint at a building across the street as I settle on the bench I’d found a block from the venue.

It’s a surprisingly chilly morning and I wish I’d brought my jacket.But that would have required planning and foresight which we all know I avoid at all costs.I grimace.

---