Page 46 of Tracing Holland

“How are you processing this, Luke?You still there?”

I don’t know how to respond.I’m processing it way too well, I think.“You’ve given me a lot to think about,” I mumble after a long pause.

She doesn’t respond at first, and I know she recognizes my signal that I’m done with this conversation.She’s just going to have to hope she’s gotten through.And she has.For the love of all things holy in psychiatrist land, she has.I feel ready to puke.

“I should probably go,” I say.

“Luke, this was a very difficult conversation, but we’re having it because there are people in your life who love you and whom you love.This wouldn’t hurt so much otherwise.You are very close to letting them in.We just made a huge leap.In your language, an ‘epic’ one, I believe.”I actually do crack a smile at that.“So please, just do me one last favor.Put our conversation into action.Test it.Test me and my perspective.Just try telling one of your friends what you told me.Tell them the truth about the photos.Let them in, truly in, and see what happens.Stop showing love by punishing yourself and see what happens to these relationships, to you and your life, when you accept real love and return it in kind.”

I let out a dry laugh.I’m sorry, but that sounds ridiculous.There was nothing funny about this conversation until now.“That’s it, huh?Just rewire my entire approach to relationships, the very concept of Love embedded in my soul.Just undo twenty-eight years of betrayal, fear, and pain.Yep, that’s it?All fixed?”

“Luke, I’m not asking you to do any of that.I’m asking you to take a small step.”

“It sounds like a giant, fucking rocket launch to me.”

“That’s because you’re projecting way beyond what I’m actually asking.You’re skipping to the end when all I’ve asked is for you to open the book.All I want is for you to pick one person and tell them the truth about the photos.A simple, tangible, measurable action.Tell them it was a lie, that you didn’t go out partying.You were trying to protect Callie.Then just see what happens next.That’s it.”

“That’s it?And when they laugh in my face or explode on me?”

“You can call me back and say ‘I told you so,’ and rub it in all you want.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.But Luke?”

“What?”

“It’s not going to happen.”

Eli sendsme a text to meet him in catering for lunch.I do think it’s strange, but since he’s one of the few still talking to me, I make the effort to show up.I’m surprised to find everything looking completely normal.Jesse, Parker, and Reece are seated at a table with Eli who waves me over.

“Hey, Luke!Grab some food,” Eli calls.I nod a greeting and pick up a plate.I fill it while they continue their conversation about getting a new front-of-house console.

“What’s up, guys?”I say, taking the empty seat across from Eli.

“Hey,” they answer.

“I meant to ask, what’d you think of Charlotte?Do you like playing the outdoor venues?”I ask Jesse.

He smiles and shrugs.“Yeah, it was pretty sweet.Fucking hot, though.”

I laugh.“Yeah, Charlotte in early September can be a bitch.But you guys sounded great.”

“Really?”Jesse asks, and I like that he seems sincere in his appreciation of my praise.Maybe he’s starting to forgive me, too.

“Really.You seriously do have a sick sound.I love the vibe.Your vocals are killer, Jess, and rocked that venue.”

He’s beaming now, and I feel my cloud start to lift.

“Thanks, Luke.That means a lot,” he says.

“Did you get a chance to sign the pallet?”

“The pallet?”

“Yeah, above the fireplace in the green room.You saw that, right?With your warehouse background I figured you’d be all over that.”

“Wait, the one with all the burnt signatures?”

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