Page 51 of Tracing Holland

She groans.“Are you serious?Not again!”

I smile in spite of myself.“No, it’s not that.I want this.I’m not leaving.It’s just, you deserve more than this.”

She rolls her eyes.“I’m not exactly the rose petals and candles type.I just want you naked.Why is this so confusing for you?”

“I know, it’s just…”

“Seriously, you’re killing me!”

I laugh and shake my head.“I know.I want that too, believe me, but…” I grow serious.Time for bombshell number two of this encounter.“I haven’t had sex in sixteen months.”

She stops, her expression changing, and I look away, suddenly embarrassed but not regretting anything.That’s not even in the ballpark of the shit she’s about to get dumped on her.

She covers her shock with a dismissive laugh.“Um…ok.Well, I can help you if you’re confused.I’m sure it’s like riding a bike.”She reaches for my jeans, and I catch her wrist, chuckling.

“No, that’s not what I mean.I’m pretty sure it’ll come back to me.I just meant…” I sigh.“Can we sit?”

She’s about to protest again, but then seems to sense there’s more standing in our way than a little insecurity.Her mood immediately shifts, and I love her dimensions, how comfortable she is navigating them.

“Sure.”

We don’t let go of each other and move to the small couch against the wall.Once we’re seated, she wraps her arm around mine, our fingers laced together.She rests her head on my shoulder, and I close my eyes.I don’t deserve this moment, this woman, but she deserves the truth.The problem is, I don’t really know where to start.It suddenly occurs to me that this story has never actually been written.Not in a cohesive form, not in any kind of meaningful narrative that can explain the Train-Wreck, Gravedigger, Dandelion that is Luke Craven.Even during the good years with Elena we had been more focused on surviving our present than worrying much about our pasts.She had known details, facts, but no one knew the person who lived them.Not really.And now she’s a chapter I’m still trying to survive, one that will never close but will go on forever, even as new ones begin to form.

Holland squeezes my hand, and I force air into my lungs.She needs to know this story.

“I was married before,” I begin quietly.

Holland grips harder, as if sensing I’m approaching the vault.“I know.Elena, right?You still wear the ring.”

I nod, casting an instinctive glance at my hand.“I’ll take it off eventually.I just…” I can’t finish.The sudden heaviness rises into my throat, cutting me off.I’m horrified at the display until Holland huddles closer, shattering the little hold I have left on my emotions.The tears move to my eyes and I try to blink them away, but they press harder, threatening to expose me and the weakness that will probably always haunt me at some level.I can’t stop thinking about Elena now, which makes me feel like I’m betraying both of these amazing women I don’t deserve.Would she forgive me for this moment?For wanting to explore the depths of another soul?For trying to be the man for Holland that I should have been for her?

“You don’t ever have to take it off, Luke,” Holland whispers.“I want to share you with her.”

The tears fall freely now, knocked from their dam by her selfless beauty.I lean forward and cover my face, embarrassed but unable to stop them.All I can do is hide now, hide and hope she can forgive the damage I’ve inserted into her life.At least she knows.Giving her irrefutable evidence of what I am is maybe the first truly selfless thing I’ve done in return.But she stuns me again when I feel the pressure and warmth of her arms around me.She settles her head against my shoulder, holding on to everything that’s left of me.

“You’re not broken, Luke.Just lost,” she says softly.I glance up, and she brushes my wet cheek.“Not a ‘broken wanderer,’ just a wanderer like the rest of us.You just insist on doing it alone, which never works.”

I look away and stare at the far wall.She’s not wrong, I just don’t know how to be anything else.“I’ve done a lot of terrible things.”

“We all have.”

“No, but you don’t understand.You should know.You need to understand what I am.”

I can feel her soft laugh.“I hate to break it to you, but all your terrible things are pretty well-documented.”

I close my eyes and can’t stop the brief smile.“I know, but it’s more than that.I’m hard, Holland.Really hard,” I muse into the stillness of the room.

I sense her increased amusement and cast her a wry grin.“What?”

“Um…really?”

“Oh, come on, that’s not what I meant!”

She laughs at the look on my face.“I know, but, seriously!After what just happened?”

I shake my head, still grinning.“Get your mind out of the gutter, woman.”

She giggles and latches onto my arm again when I lean back on the couch.“Says the badass rockstar.Please.Your minds live in the gutters.”

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