Page 52 of Tracing Holland

I grin and shrug.“Used to.Now I’m a fucking Hallmark card, apparently.”

“You’re thinking about adopting a kitten aren’t you?”

“Hilarious.Hey, how about you stop trying to strip my clothes off every time we’re together?”

Her eyes widen at the challenge.“Oh, really?Yeah, you definitely haven’t been sending signs that you want it too.I’m sorry, Luke, your head may be impossible to read, but this guy is not,” she teases, pointing at my crotch.

I laugh and settle into the cushions.“I can’t argue with that.”She returns my grin and begins tracing the tattoos on my chest, the mood growing serious again.

“Explain your ink,” she continues, and I almost flinch.

“What?”

“If you want to talk instead of letting me ravish you, you’re going to pay for it.I want details.Start here,” she says, moving her fingers to my wrist.

I laugh.“All of it?”I ask in disbelief.

She grins.“Why not?They don’t need us for another three hours.Besides, I’ve learned it’s the best way to get the summary of a person.You suck at sharing, so we can do bullet points.”

I let out my breath.“Um…how about we talk about you for once.I know even less about you than you do of me at this point.Maybe I’m the one who should be running.”

“Only from boredom,” she laughs.

“Oh, please.There’s no way.”

She settles against me.“Seriously, Luke, I’m frighteningly stable.I love my family, I have a college degree, and I’m incredibly happy doing what I love for a living.”

I smile.“So everything I’m not?”

“Everything you don’t need to be if you’d just accept the truth about what you are.”

I try not to roll my eyes.“So that degree is in psychology, I suppose?”

“Biology.Can I be honest with you for a second?”

I’m not even sure how to respond to that.“Haven’t you been flogging me with honesty since the day we met?”

She grins and shrugs.“True.That was more of a warning, I guess.”She sighs and pulls back so she can face me.I brace myself as she grows serious.“You think you’re protecting me from yourself, all the rotten things you are that I don’t know about.You’ve been pushing me away, refusing to let me in, terrified of the truth about who you are and what it would do to me when I found out.”

I suck in my breath.“I don’t want to hurt you.I’ve hurt so many people in my life.”

She shakes her head and leans forward with an earnestness that immediately silences further protests.“Here’s the thing, though, the part you’re not getting.All the rotten stuff that you’re so afraid of me discovering?All the shit you think you’re hiding and protecting us from?That’s the crap that’s already out there!That’s what we all see, plastered all over the tabloids and Internet.”

She takes my hands and meets my eyes, refusing to let me look away.“Luke, I’m here right now, pretty much begging for more, because you have it backwards.You’re not hiding your darkness.That’s the part you’ve given the masses to label, judge, and punish.”She draws in a breath.“I’m here because I’ve glimpsed the actual part that no one sees.The real part you’re holding back from the world.And I’m telling you, Luke, it’s fucking beautiful.”

Hollandand I talk for a long time, nearly until we have to start preparing for the show that night.It’s an incredible thing watching the lust that started the encounter transform into something deeper, something neither of us saw coming but instinctively know has changed everything.

Callie was right.Holland is a fascinating woman, incredibly intelligent, kind, and probably the most sincere, confident person I’ve ever met.I love every “boring” detail she shares, and find it hilarious that her “boring” is completely mesmerizing to me.She’s twenty-nine, terrified of alligators even though she’s never seen one in person, and has three sisters, including the baby of the family who’s sixteen.She’s a natural blond, but likes to dye her hair different colors depending on her mood, and was born and raised in Canada.She can’t wait until our Toronto stop so she can spend some time at home for a bit.She’s had three serious relationships, her last one ending amicably two years ago.No marriages or children, but would like both one day.She despises mushrooms.All kinds, even on pizza.

I absorb it all, sucking it in like air, laughing so hard at times I can barely breathe.I don’t remember the last time I’ve been able to abandon my weighted existence for so long.For the next few hours I’m someone else, someone I don’t hate, someone who laughs, and cares, and even dreams a little.Someone who understands peace.

She learns some things too.I’m ambidextrous, find spider plants creepy, and have never been on a boat.I’m not a huge fan of mushrooms either, but I’ll at least forgive them on pizza under the right circumstances.

We talk about some of the dark stuff too.About my aunt disowning me, leaving me with no family other than the small one I’ve created with Callie and the band.How hard it was growing up believing you must have been the reason everyone kept abandoning you.We talk about Elena.

I can’t bring myself to discuss this past year yet, the chair, my gross betrayal the night of Elena’s death, but I do admit to my struggle with depression and the battle that will probably follow me the rest of my life.She understands and says one of her sisters deals with the same condition.

We’re both disappointed by the knock on the door, but not surprised when we glance at the clock on the wall.

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