Page 56 of Tracing Holland

I laugh despite the grave moment, then wince from the pain.“Seriously, I’m fine,” I direct back to Casey who rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, you look fine,” he mumbles.“You sure you got him?”he confirms with Holland, and I grunt.

“Oh, so you’ll trust her, but not me?”

“Have you seen your face?”Casey returns, his grin breaking as I curse at him.

“Shouldn’t you be leaving?Oh, and make sure you take care of the tab!”I call after him, unable to stop my own grin when the last thing I see is his middle finger disappearing through the door.

Holland laughs before focusing back on me, the mood settling again as she reaches up and gently examines my cheek.“I can’t believe Wes did this.”

“It took two of us,” I respond quietly, and she meets my gaze.

“Yeah, but I know he started it.”She draws in a deep breath.“Luke, I’m sorry.It’s partly my fault too.He saw us together on the floor, and I told him to stay out of it and mind his own business.He didn’t like that I basically defended our relationship, defended you.He was out for blood.I could have handled it differently, but I just...”

“He’s obviously in love with you, Holland,” I interrupt.“I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to hear that, but look at my face.”

She bites her lip and I wonder if I’m finally getting through to her.After a long pause, she sighs and takes my hand.“Can we go find a place to talk that’s not the men’s bathroom?”

“Please,” I agree, eager to escape, and she grabs a few more strips of paper towels.

“For the road,” she explains with a smile.

I’m not overlyexcited about re-entering the club, but we manage to sneak through the crowds into the cool evening air without any more drama.Holland still hasn’t let go of my hand and leads me to a bench about half a block from the entrance.

She settles against me and we’re silent for a moment, doing our best to absorb the rollercoaster we’ve just endured.“There’s something you should know,” she begins quietly, and I instinctively brace myself.“Wes and I were briefly engaged at one point.The thing is, we realized pretty quickly that we were great friends but terrible lovers.We were young and had grown up together, so the engagement was more of a formality that everyone else expected.Once we had the courage to swear off the expectations, we decided we’d be much better off as buddies and bandmates than spouses.It’s been almost six years and he’s now one of my best friends.He cares about me like a sister and I know he’d do anything for me.”

“Including punch me in the face,” I mutter.

“Especially, punch you in the face,” she laughs, and I love the way her eyes shine when she glances up at me.She sighs and grows serious again.“He’s not in love with me, Luke, he’s just protecting me.He believes all the lies about you.He doesn’t have the same faith in people and doesn’t believe you can possibly be the person I’m defending.He thinks I’m falling into the same trap you’ve been trying to protect me from.Ironically, in a twisted way, you and he have been on the same side.”

I almost smirk.“Careful.You might actually make me not hate the guy.”

She chuckles and squeezes my arm.“He’s not a bad guy.He’s way off base on this one, and believe me, I’m beyond pissed about what just happened, but his intentions are good.He’s just worried about me and doesn’t trust you.Or, more specifically, my ability to resist you and your legendary charms.”

I want to argue, but I’m not sure how.She’s right.It is kind of ironic that we’ve both spent the entire tour fighting me for the same reason.“Well, he’s been pretty open about his hatred.He’s been making my life hell since the day we met.”

“Yeah, I know, and I’m sorry about that, but there’s more to it.”

I don’t like anything about that sentence.Especially when she draws in a deep breath and I know she’s conflicted about whatever is coming next.“He’s friends with Laurel Karns, Luke,” she explains quietly, and I immediately stiffen.

“What?”I don’t even know what to do with that statement.

I pull away from her and suddenly don’t feel the pain of my injuries anymore, not when the pain of my transgressions is suddenly assaulting my conscience like I’d just committed the heinous crime yesterday, not well over a year and a half ago.

“We were at that after party, too.Geez, everyone was, remember?She sent us messages when you two left together.She was boasting about how she was hooking up with you.When the news broke about Elena the next day…we knew where you were when it happened, what you were doing.”She quiets, and I can’t look at her.I can’t look at anything.I lean on my knees and stare at the sidewalk, completely numb.I don’t want to deal with this right now.I can’t.

“I’m sorry, I know I should have said something sooner.I started to, a couple times, but then I saw how you’d changed.How much your past already haunts you, and I just couldn’t.I didn’t want you to think I still held it against you.But I should have warned you about Wes.”I can hear her sigh before she takes my hands and forces me to face her again.“I’m the one who broke our agreement, not him.Going on tour with you was huge for us, so we couldn’t pass it up, but Wes made me swear to him that I wouldn’t get sucked in if we agreed to go.I promised I wouldn’t fall for you.”

Tears burn my eyes and I’m still not sure how to speak.There’s so much I want to say, but the words aren’t forming together in any useful combination.I want to explain Laurel, but there is no explanation, none except the one they already have.There’s no softer truth, no defense, just the cold, hard reality exposing the depths of the monster that created the worst night of my life.The ache mixes with nausea at the fact that this entire time she’s known.She knew the worst of what I was, my darkest secret, and yet she still chose to have faith in me, still fought to bring us to this moment.

I can’t possibly accept that.

“Not a second goes by when I don’t regret that night,” I manage, finally.I can hear the pain in my voice, but it’s not enough.It’ll never be enough for what I deserve.I search her eyes, willing her to understand.Begging her to forgive me for a crime that had nothing to do with her then, but might be critical now.“I would give my life to take it back and meet Elena that night instead of going to that hotel room.I replay that moment, that horrifying mistake, every single day, Holland.Every day!”

“Yes, but in a way, it did take your life, didn’t it,” she responds, and I almost choke.

I can’t even begin to respond so I focus back on the concrete again.The ugly, pockmarked, stained sidewalk that lives out its days in functional anonymity as a landing place for the soles of shoes.Sentenced to a destiny of being kicked, stomped, spit upon, and covered with vomit.The fate of a sidewalk.

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