Page 58 of Tracing Holland

Holland’s staring up at me, her beautiful eyes…I blink, completely paralyzed.I’m still on top of her, still present, still desperate for her, but suddenly, I’m somewhere else too.I don’t know where, just that my body wants to do something that’s tearing my brain apart.

“Luke.Hey!”

I try to shake off whatever is happening and stare back down at Holland.She doesn’t seem angry, just concerned.

“I’m sorry, I…” Words start to come out.I hope they make sense.They’re…Elena.I can’t even think now.Her face has occupied every recess of my head.Elena…oh god, the guilt.The self-hatred.The anger.It all comes rushing back.I’m about to betray her.But it’s not a betrayal, is it?It can’t be forever, right?

Holland startles me out of my torment with a gentle push to the side.She guides me back to the bed, propping herself up beside me, gazing into my eyes.She doesn’t say anything as she studies my face, tracing my chest, my cheek, my lips.I close my eyes, trying to put this moment back together, reclaim some of the sudden chaos.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, unable to look at her.“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.It’s…” I can’t finish, and I’m grateful I don’t have to.

“You’re thinking about her, aren’t you?”she guesses, and I glance over at her again.

I feel like shit.I don’t even know how to start sorting through all the reasons why.“I want you, Holland.I want you so badly, I just…I don’t know.I don’t understand what’s wrong with me.”

She sighs and settles onto the sheets, tucking herself against my side.Her hand climbs my chest, up my neck, and cups my face, gently stroking my cheek.I close my eyes again, allowing every nerve she triggers to react to her touch.

“Tell me about her,” Holland murmurs, still running her fingers in a dizzying pattern of chills over my skin.

“Elena?”I ask in surprise.

She turns my face toward hers and gives me a soft, but lingering, kiss.“Yes.Tell me about Elena.”

I know I don’t deserve this woman and I can’t imagine ever denying her anything again.I swallow hard and stare back at the ceiling.

“Elena was…I don’t know how to describe it.A ray of sunshine, I guess, but not the kind people mean when they say that.Not the easy kind.”

I stare off as I fight to explain.“You know how on a really sunny day you can look at a full shade tree in the distance and see a few streams of light piercing the gaps in the leaves?That was Elena.She was the ray of sunshine that fought its way through the darkness, through the gaps.”

I quiet, haunted by my description, but Holland prevents any need for more when her lips meet mine.I reach up and touch her hair, pushing it from her face as our kiss intensifies.

“I love that you still love her,” she breathes.“I love that you let your love for her transform you.”

My soul is bursting, so full of emotion that I’m still lost when she moves on top of me.Holland takes my breath away as she claims me, reminding me that while Elena is in my head, Holland’s here too, intent on carving out a piece of my heart.But she already has it.God, she has so much of it, I just don’t know how to give it over to her.

“You tell me when to stop,” she whispers, fighting for our connection again.My heart thuds against my sore ribs, my body reacting exactly how she wants it to as she takes it hostage.It is hers, every inch of it, and I can’t breathe as she pushes for more, escalating her seduction to a feverish intensity.I reach for her, intent on taking over, but she stops me with a greedy kiss, locking my arms against the mattress.

“No, you’re mine right now,” she directs, pressing me into the sheets.Her hands, her skin, her eyes, she’s totally captured me, and I doubt I could have moved right then even if I wanted to disobey her, but I don’t dream of it.She owns me in this moment, and I suck in my breath at the power she has over me.She seems to be losing herself too as she grabs the condom from the nightstand, and I’m shocked that there is nothing in me that stops our progress this time.There’s no protest, no devastating explanations.Just anticipation, hope.

Unbearable fire.

She kisses me again, hungry, inviting, and finally lets me hold onto her as she slides into perfect union with me.I’m amazed at how we fit, two halves forming a whole, two imperfections transforming into a beautiful masterpiece.

“It’s ok, Luke.It’s ok to feel something good,” she breathes.“It’s ok to let go.”

Spellbound, any lingering thoughts dissolve when the white light returns, blistering through my body and exploding the darkness of my head.But she has no mercy, she doesn’t stop, and I love every beautiful harmony that escapes her in the next few moments, evidence that she’s connected too, that she is satisfied with us, with the final testimony of what we do to each other.That the connection of mind, body, and soul has only begun, stranding us with a new, undeniable addiction to each other.

Sixteen months.Sixteen months erased in sixteen minutes.

“So that happened,”Holland sighs, turning towards me.

I match her grin.“It did.”

“You know, you weren’t nearly as bad as I thought you’d be.”

My eyes widen in disbelief.“What?”I cry.

She giggles and nestles against me.“I’m kidding!I think with a little practice…”

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