Page 6 of Tracing Holland

“Um, good.I’m doing really well,” I force out.She smiles at my lie and squeezes my arm.

“That’s great.I’m glad to hear that.We were so worried about you.You just disappeared.”

I nod in a numb daze, and can feel Callie’s eyes.She has to know something’s wrong.She always does.She has to see the walls are shrinking.

She clears her throat.“So, Molly, tell me about working at the animal shelter.That must be so interesting!”

Her redirection works, and I hate how I suddenly want to hide more than anything.I love Molly, but I can’t see her.I can’t be here.I hate that this is happening, that once again my drama is ruining a moment, dragging down the people I love.

Still, I can’t stop it, and a small ember of fear burns low as the evening wears on, panic that it’s going to be a hard night when the room quiets and the lights go out.The heaviness grows, pressing on my lungs until it reaches a physical ache.I can sense Callie’s attention more and more as I withdraw into myself, and know without a doubt she’s aware something’s up.She knows I’m starting to shatter again, that I need to be in someone’s arms, to be held, but I don’t want to let that happen.It shouldn’t be her.I know that, and I try to force as many smiles as I can to ease her mind.To temper that vigorous compassion that drives her into other people’s pain.I know they love me, but I don’t want to be their constant burden.I love them, too.

But I just can’t breathe all of a sudden.

“You guys have an early morning, don’t you?”Callie asks finally, and I immediately know what she’s doing.Rescuing me like she so often does with that grace that disguises it from everyone else.It’s her smile, the way it always seems to turn a goodbye into a simple invitation for the next meeting.I’d never really felt like I’d had a choice except to show up again in those early days at Jemma’s.

Casey sighs.“Yeah, we do.The car’s picking us up at 7 to take us to the radio station.”

“Oh, ok!Well, I won’t keep you up then.I’ve got work in the morning anyway,” Molly says with an understanding smile as she rises.

We do the same.“It was so good to see you again, Molly,” I manage, reaching for a hug.She returns it, a real one, and I start to shake.Oh god.I need them all to leave.Now.

“I’ll walk you out, sis,” Casey says.

“See you tomorrow?”Molly asks Callie who grins and gives a hug of her own.

“Looking forward to it!”

Then, we’re alone.I feel Callie’s gaze and draw in a ragged breath.I need her to leave, too.I don’t want her to see me like this.I don’t want her to comfort me right now.I just want her to be happy and safe and force me to confront my demons on my own for once.But I know she won’t, so I don’t even try.

She doesn’t say anything as the horrible tears invade my eyes.I swipe at them and drop to the edge of the bed, leaning my head in my hands.I don’t even know how to start explaining what’s going on inside of me, which is why I love her so much.I know I won’t have to.She covers the distance between us and puts her arms around me, pulling me against her.I try to breathe.To fight the weight pressing into my chest, clamping down.God, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.

“It was a long day, Luke.A difficult one with everything you had to face coming back.You were amazing,” she says softly.

I nod through my silent tears, grateful there are no embarrassing sobs this time.I pull away and swat at my face again.Fighting to put myself back together.

“I’m ok,” I whisper.“It was a lot to handle…and then seeing Molly again.”

She sighs.“I know.It was brave of you to even try.”

I let out a harsh laugh.“Brave.Yeah right.”

“Don’t even think about belittling yourself,” she barks with a smile, and I manage to remove the rest of the tears.She grows serious again.“But you’re not alone anymore.You need to promise me you understand that.”

I blink and meet her gaze.She hugs me again, and I can almost feel the tension start to lift.

“Thanks, Cal.”

“Get some rest, ok?”she says, pulling away and squeezing my hand.

I nod and draw in another deep breath.“You, too.Tell Casey I said good night.”

She smiles and rubs my arm one last time as she rises to her feet.“I will.You got this, kid.I know you do.”

The radio sessiongoes well the following morning.We do a brief interview with host Russ, followed by a short acoustic set, which seems to go over well with the station and listeners.Houston has always embraced us, so I’m not surprised by the outpouring of support.There’s something about your hometown, the way they claim you.They raised you, created you, so now you belong to them.

We have to check out of our hotel when we get back from the radio station, since we’ll roll out to our next stop immediately after tonight’s show.We’re supposed to be in New Orleans tomorrow night, so I know they’re going to want to move as soon as possible.Our tour manager, Kenneth, runs a tight ship.Even I’m afraid of him.

Casey and Callie leave right away for Molly’s house to reconnect with some of his family and friends.After what happened last night, there’s no way I’d survive that, so I turn down the offer.I know Callie understands and let her soothe Casey who whines until they’re out of earshot at least.I feel badly, but I just can’t put myself in that situation right now.It’s hard enough being home without shoving memories into the open wounds.I don’t really feel like doing anything else, so I hang out in my room as long as possible and then decide to retire to the bus for a while.Eli and Sweeny had left an hour ago after jabbering all morning about some new bar they wanted to check out, and I’m lured by the thought of an empty bus.

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