Page 67 of Tracing Holland

“Will you stay and talk for a bit?”Holland asks, glancing up at me with a look I can’t ignore.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?Casey said we might not have a lot of time,” I argue, and she rolls her eyes.

“We can go into a hotel room without having sex,” she returns.

I grin.“I don’t know.You’re the one who has that Pavlovian response to strip me every time we’re alone.”

“I’ll keep my hands to myself, I promise.”She cringes.“Ok, I can’t promise that.But…you know what I mean.”She opens her door and drags me inside, putting an end to the debate.

After parking her suitcase by the dresser, she turns and pulls me close in a tight embrace.“Seriously, Luke.Where are you at right now?Your head is not a place you should be navigating alone.”

I swallow and draw in a deep breath.My head is not a place for anyone.She can’t possibly understand what she’s asking.“Honestly, Holland, I’m scared,” I admit quietly into the dim silence.“Really scared.”

She pulls me tighter, and I close my eyes, suddenly overwhelmed by what I’m about to do.It seemed like such a necessary decision yesterday.I had to come home.I had to do this for Casey, for me, for Elena, Holland.Everyone needs me to reconcile my past with my present.I can’t have a future until I do, but now, standing at the entrance to the gallows, about to face the jury, my sentence, it’s all I can do to keep from running back to the airport.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face my punishment after a year and a half of hiding from it, but that’s where I find myself now.Except for our recent evening with Molly, I haven’t been in contact with any of them since The Funeral.Since I completely imploded and added a whole new chapter to my list of crimes.I can’t even think about that day without getting nauseous.

So yes, I’m scared.No, terrified, but deep down I know that part of claiming responsibility for the humiliation of what I was is to stop hiding from the consequences.I’m here because I know I’ll never be able to accept I’ve changed until I prove it to them, that I’ll never be able to forgive myself until I face the punishment for my sins.I thought I came for Casey, but as I stand here in silence, trying to stop the shaking, the truth hits me hard like it so often does.I brace myself as it crashes down, rooting me in a reality I hadn’t truly understood until this moment.

I’m not just here for my best friend; I’m here for my execution.

The plan isto head over to Casey’s brother Nate’s house for a barbeque.I brace myself at the announcement, which doesn’t come as a surprise, just a disappointment, and do my best to project a nonchalant front as we leave the hotel and head to the car.

I hate the somber silence that’s settled over us as we drive.I can feel them all watching me, evaluating.They think I haven’t noticed that they’re acting like this ismyfuneral, not Casey’s father’s, but I try to remind myself it’s only because they care so much.

“It shouldn’t be everyone tonight.Just Nate, Abby, Molly.Maybe some others,” Casey muses, glancing over at me briefly before focusing back on the road.

I swallow and turn to him.“Ok.”I force in more air.“Do they know I’m coming?”

Casey answers with an uncomfortable silence, and I turn back to the window, my stomach dropping.

“I’m sorry, man, I just…Molly will be cool with it.”

I nod.“Yeah, ok.It’s probably better this way.”Suddenly, I feel a hand on my arm and glance back at Holland who’s leaning forward from the back seat.

“If we have to sit in the car all night, we sit in the car,” she says with a smile.I try to return it.

“Casey and I will run food to you,” Callie adds, and my grin finally breaks.

“Thanks.Make sure you bring some of Abby’s iced tea too.It’s fantastic.”

“It’s pretty killer,” Casey agrees.“Iced tea is the only thing Abby does well in the kitchen.”

“Casey!”Callie cries.

“What?It’s true.Isn’t it true, Luke?Remember that time she made us that vegetable lasagna?”

“With the carrots?”I laugh.“Oh man, that was awful.”

“Was that supposed to be carrots?I had no idea what it was.It tasted like dirty chalk.That’s all I remember.”

“You two are so mean!”Callie chides.

“No, that lasagna was mean,” Casey retorts, and I can’t help but snicker.

“It was pretty bad, Cal.Even Elena…” I freeze.

Casey glances at me.They all do.I can’t move.

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