Page 76 of Tracing Holland

Neither of us speaks as we walk and I’m grateful for the silence.I have no words for this situation, and I’m beginning to think Holland doesn’t either.We both sense our submersion in uncharted territory, but then again, nothing about our relationship has followed the rules so far.I suppose that shouldn’t surprise me when my entire life has been one giant “F-U” battle between me and the universe.I have no idea who’s winning at this point.

I slow as we approach Elena’s grave and lead Holland off the asphalt path, into the grass.Her grip tightens, but I’m no longer certain the pressure is entirely for my benefit.I glance at her face, struck by the glimpse into what this truly means to her for the first time.She has been nothing but supportive, an angel, since the day we met, but this moment, this reality, can’t be easy for her either.To know she not only has to share me with a ghost, but a ghost I wronged.A ghost that represents the horror of what I was and will never be appeased.No amount of apologies, counseling, or promises will ever reverse this headstone.

“It’s beautiful,” she manages finally, staring in awe at the breathtaking ruby granite.

I swallow, trying to steady my breathing.“It was the only beautiful thing I did for her,” I whisper before I can stop it.

I sense her gaze but can’t look.

“That can’t be true,” she returns, and I close my eyes.I can feel the hot tears beating against my eyelids and quickly focus back on the headstone.

“It was custom-made,” I continue quietly, somehow needing her to understand what Elena never will.“I didn’t just want an angel or heart or something.I wanted a work of art, something that no one else would ever have.I wanted everyone who saw it to understand how beautiful she was.How much she was loved.I just…” My voice is quivering too much now.The words stop, and I finally dare a glance at her, even though I know it’s a mistake as I let it happen.I know once we see each other in this moment there is no going back from it.The tears are so heavy in my chest now, I’m not sure the words that got stuck will come out.

“Holland, I...”I search her eyes, silently pleading for something I don’t even understand.“I made sure everyone who passes this rock knows how amazing she was.I just wish she had known that in life.I’d give anything to have the chance to explain why her headstone is so incredible.”

I lose the battle with my tears then, and she wraps her arms around me.I cling to her with a desperation that silences us, the air heavy with emotion we can’t even begin to sort through.

“What if she didn’t know?It was my job to make sure she understood that!”I charge at the awful, thick cloud around us.

Holland doesn’t respond, and I’m grateful.I don’t need lies right now; I just need to figure out how to move forward with the crushing reality that sometimes it seems like the wrong person gets the second chance.

“You’re not broken, Luke.Just lost like the rest of us,” she says softly, and I clench my eyes shut at her familiar mantra.I know she had no idea what she was saying that first time she uttered those words.She couldn’t possibly have understood what she’d face if she braved this journey with me.She was being kind then, compassionate.The fact that she can repeat it now changes everything.

“You’re amazing, Holland.You’re beautiful,” I whisper, pulling back and gazing into her eyes.“For as long as I’m alive you will know that.”

Her own eyes fill with tears as she stares at me.I can tell she’s speechless, and I’m glad because I’m all out of words too.I kiss her gently instead before we turn back to Elena.Slipping my arm around Holland’s shoulders, I hold her against me, silent and still as we remember.

It’s not evenlunchtime by the time we start to make our way back to the hotel, although it might as well be midnight for how exhausted I feel.I’m surprised, even slightly irritated, when Holland pulls out her phone and begins issuing new directions to the driver.

“Where are we going?”I ask, starting to get nervous.I’m not sure I’m up for another adventure at the moment.

“You’ll see.”

I don’t respond, mostly because I don’t want to hurt her with the protest in my head, and stare back out the window.I’m confused when we pull up to a very average-looking shopping complex.

“Want me to wait?”the cab driver asks.

“No, it’s fine.We might be a while,” she says, paying the fare.

The driver nods, and I hold out my hand to help her from the car.

“I could have paid for the cab,” I mutter.

“So could I.”Her grin manages to force a smile from my sour face.

“So, what?We’re going to the mall?”

“Kind of.”

“Forgot your toothbrush or something?”

“Luke, this is one of the few times in our relationship where I give you permission to shut your mouth.”

I laugh then, I can’t help it, and she tugs my arm.“Let’s go!”

I sigh and allow her to lead me toward one of the giant storefronts.I glance up and almost pull to a stop.

“A music store?Holland…”

---