Page 101 of Crazy Love

“You’re having second thoughts?”

Her eyes widen. “No! Penn, no. It’s not that.”

“Then what?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling.”

“Try me, Addy. I really want to know.”

She leans forward, covering her face with her hands. Her voice is barely above a whisper. “What if I screw it up?”

“Addy…not possible.”

“I mean it, Penn.” Her eyes are shiny when she looks at me. “I want this. I want this so much it scares me. But what if I’m not what they need?”

God. My heart aches at the look on her face.

“Youare,” I tell her. “You’re better than good. It’s like you know exactly what they need. And you cover for me in all the ways that I’m floundering.”

Her laugh is watery. “You’re not floundering. You’re doing an amazing job. Those kids love you so much.”

“They love you too.”

“That’s the thing…me knowing what they need. I don’t know how to not feel like I’m letting them down when I leave.”

“Lots of parents have to travel for work.”

“And I’m sure it’s hard for their kids, but not as hard as it is for kids who have never had a stable home to begin with. Can you imagine what must be going through Winnie’s mind? Did you see the way she held onto me and cried?” She puts her head in her hands and I rub her back, feeling helpless.

“I think they’ll adjust,” I say finally. “We can do this. Wearedoing this.”

She lifts her head and wipes her face and then slowly nods. “I hope you’re right.”

I lay awake long after we’ve gone upstairs and made love. I hold her against me, listening to her soft breaths and not wanting to let her go. I kiss her hair and can’t shake the feeling that something is about to break.

I only hope we’ll be strong enough to weather it.

CHAPTER THIRTY

THE ONLY POSITIVE

ADELINE

I’m drowning. Not the dramatic, desperate-to-breathe kind. It’s slower, more methodical. Like my limbs just can’t tread water anymore. No matter how hard I try to push through it, the weight keeps dragging me down.

It’s been a relentless feeling. Work, Penn, Sam, Winnie—it’s all good stuff, but every day feels like a hamster wheel I can’t stop. I hit the ground running each morning, and by the timeI crawl into bed at night, my mind is still spinning. I’m not sleeping well. I can’t shut it off.

This weekend isn’t helping. Another away game, another stretch of time away from home. When I first took the job, the traveling was exciting. Now it just feels like another thing pulling me away from where I’m needed most.

Is this what being a mom feels like?

Sam’s handling it okay. He’s tough, resilient in a way that shatters me sometimes. But Winnie…she’s starting to crack. She clings to me more lately. Cries as I’m packing for the trip. Cries as I’m leaving.

I’ve let her know that she’s not going to another home, that we’re doing everything in our power to keep her and Sam forever, but it’s not enough.

This morning, her eyes were wide and her lashes fringed with tears as she whispered, “You’ll come back, right?”

That nearly broke me. I told her we’d have tonight together and then Margo and Jeremy would do lots of fun things while Penn and I are gone this weekend. And that Jezebel would be there to play with too, which brightened her smile.

---