Page 152 of Sunrise

“Yes, you can,” Knox says, sternly. “You have to.”

He’s right and I can’t stand it. I thought I could go one more minute. Just… one more minute. I can do anything for one more minute.

“I don’t think I can do this,” I say again. It’s like I’m stuck on repeat. My motions, my mind—I’m stuck in a loop I can’t get out of.

“How about you try to lie down again?” Vault asks.

“No.”

“Want to watch a movie?”

“No.”

Knox holds my face in his hands and looks at me for a long time. I somehow start to match his breathing, which he notices. Nodding, he inhales…exhales…inhales… exhales… encouraging me to just take in a breath and let out a breath. “Good girl. Keep going.”

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale… exhale…

“Put on one of her playlists,” he tells Vault without breaking eye contact with me.

Vault moves like a phantom through my living room and the sweet beat of one of my favorite songs starts playing.

Knox moves with it, dancing ever so slightly at first. He gets more and more into it as the seconds pass. “Come on, sweetheart. You know you want to dance with me.”

I don’t know if I do or not, but I want to try. I’ll do anything to make myself feel better. To feel… normal.

Vault gets behind me and I lean back, giving him permission to touch me. I keep flinching at the slightest things—a car driving by, a toilet flushing, a cricket chirping. I hate it. I’m sure they do too.

“That’s it.” Knox coaxes me to move my arms. “Fuck yeah, baby. Let’s go.”

We dance together, awkwardly at first, but after the first two songs play, I’m ready for the next one. I listen to these playlists all the time, so my brain automatically gears up for the next song. I sing along to it, making more of an effort.

Knox snaps his fingers.

Vault spins me.

The relief ebbs and flows, and I struggle between crying and laughing. Soon, I’ve petered out and sit on the couch, cocooned in my blanket again.

How long will it take for me to get this shock out of my system?

How long until I feel like Sophie again?

Tears sting my eyes, and I hate myself for crying over this. I should be throwing a party. I’ll never have to run or hide ever again. Animal is dead. Christopher Rivetti isdead. Bad guys can’t come back from the grave. Right?

It’s way past midnight and my house is dark. The guys haven’t moved from the floor next to me. I run my hand through Knox’s hair, soothing myselfwhile laying curled up on my sofa.

“I don’t want to be here,” I confess, not knowing if I mean in this house or on this earth.

Vault and Knox both look at each other and I feel like I’ve failed them. I’m making this hard when I should be better.

“We don’t want to be here either,” Knox says, sitting on the floor with his back to the couch. “But it’s where we are.”

“And it’s where we’ll stay.” Vault rests his head on the cushion by my knees. “Until sunrise.”

I’ve asked Vault a dozen times what sunrise means. The only answer he’s ever given was that he hopes I never find out.

Well, this is it.

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