Page 38 of Sunrise

Now, Sophie, Ididtell. You have to be upfront and honest with your partner or shit goes sideways. I came to her, infatuated, yearning for a taste of connection again, and ended up so attached, I’m officially wholly in love with her. It’s not just what she’s like in the bedroom at the Monarch—which is the only place we’ve ever fucked—it’s how she so swiftly became part of our family. We all love her in some way.

Is Knox in love with her, too?

I think so. He’s easy for me to read.

Which is why I know that I hurt him a million times over during theafterstages of my S.A. grief. He’ll say it’s fine, but I disagree. He’s saved me over and over again.

Knox is built to comfort hurt people. His dad was the first. That man’s PTSD is never predictable, yet Knox can usually somehow sense when it’s coming. And just like when I kicked and screamed the day he found me on the bathroom floor, he also would run to his dad to hold him back from doing more harm. Knox’s love is unconditional to a fault. It nearly got him killed once when his father held a gun in his mouth.Mygun…

It's another bad night and I need safety. Running in the pouring rain, I cut across the tracks and into Knox’sneighborhood. He hasn’t answered my texts in weeks. Is he still mad at me for trying to kill myself?

If he hadn’t found me when he did, I would have eaten that fucking bullet and put us both out of our misery. But he came. Right on time. Said his Spidey senses knew something was off, and he got worried and kicked down the goddamn door when I didn’t answer it. I heard his footsteps pound the stairs and Vault A sat there with dead eyes while Vault B screamed for help.

Those soundproof walls meant Knox didn’t hear a fucking thing, though.

My parents don’t either.

The teacher who raped me died in a fire last week at the campsite I volunteered at all the time. The reports and rumors said there was a gas leak in the kitchen, which exploded while he was in there. The cabin went down in flames, taking him with it.

Boom. Quick death.

He deserved worse, and I couldn’t get out of my head about it. Him dying meant he could never touch me again. I’d never run into him again. He’d never be able to do what he did to me to anyone else ever again.

But I wasn’t fixed. I was furious.

At the end of my frayed rope, sick of being trapped in my soundproof walls, I decided to let myself out a different way.

A more permanent one.

But good old Knox was faster than my cowardly ass could pull the trigger. He barreled into my room, saw the gun at my temple, and stopped me from taking my life. I cried as hard as I did the day he found me at my worst. His scrawny arms wrapped around me as we laid in my bed and he said, “You just have to make it to sunrise. I’ll sit with you in the dark until the sun comes up. You can make it another day. We can all make it one more fucking day.”

It wasn’t a day; it was a moment. My darkness comes and goes, and he’s the only sunrise I have. He hasn’t talked to me since he left my house the next morning with my dad’s gun tucked under his shirt.

I need him back.

I can’t sleep. Can’t eat. I know he hasn’t either. Ryker told me he’s been popping mollies left and right and didn’t know why. It’s been rough for all of us lately and the sun still won’t rise.

If it doesn’t, we’re all doomed.

Thunder booms overhead, and I instinctively duck down. The sky roars like I do in my head. It’s loud and terrifying and yet everyone ignores it.

Knox doesn’t though. He hears me even when I can’t speak.

I need him.

Why won’t he answer my calls or texts?

Lightning streaks through the sky and thunder follows two seconds later. My feet splash in the puddles, kicking water up onto my jeans. I’m drenched, screaming as I run as fast as my legs can carry me to his house.

“Knox!” I bang on his bedroom window. The lights are on in the hallway, but I can’t see him in his room. “Knox!” I try the front door. It’s locked. I run around back and—

Knox is on the back porch, his hands clasped over his head, tears streaming down his fucking face while his father has my gun in his mouth, screaming words I don’t understand. Knox trembles, mumbling and crying around the barrel stuffed between his teeth.

Oh my god.

There’s no reasoning with his dad when he’s in this headspace. And he’s got the strength of ten elephants. He yells at Knox about something, calling him Soldier and screaming about things that make no sense. Knox doesn’tmove an inch. If I call 9-1-1 and he hears the sirens, what happens? I can’t risk Knox to find out.

He’s my ride or die.

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