Page 65 of Sunrise

As if somehow surrendering, he closes the distance between us and wraps his hand around the back of my neck. Pressing his forehead to mine, hestares at me for so long that I almost cave and tell him something I shouldn’t yet.

“I’m trying too,” he finally says. “But thishurts.”

I feel myself retreating into my mental soundproof rooms again. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt this man. Maybe I should have never tried to get back what we lost. Maybe I should have cut ties and ended everything instead.

“Tell me how to stop loving you,” he whispers, begging me. “Fucking tell me how, Alex, because I’ve never figured it out.”

I can’t breathe.

I can’t move.

I can’t speak.

His hand slides off the back of my neck until he’s cradling the side of my face and runs his thumb along my cheek. “I’ve loved you for so long, I don’t know where I end, and you begin.”

I know. Fuck…I know.

“I’ve loved you too.” Does it make him happy to hear that? Judging by his expression, it doesn’t seem like it.

“Loved.” He backs off. “Not love.”

I misspoke. Shit. “I love you now too.” My body feels awkward when I take a step forward. I’m all robotic and it’s messing with my head. “I’ve never stopped loving you. I just don’t know how to be with you anymore.”

My honesty must feel like a dagger to his heart.

“It’s not that hard.”

Yes, it is. He doesn’t get it. I’m so fucked up. The mere thought of having someone inside me again has me spiraling. I don’t want to draw lines between us if we want to mend our relationship. I want to be able togive myself fully to him.

The saddest part is, he’d live off the scraps of affection I’d throw at him. I know it with every fiber of my being. But giving him only pieces of me isn’t good enough. He deserves better than that, and so do I.

“It’s not hard for you to be with Sophie,” he says, testing me.

“She’s different.”

That was a mistake. He backs all the way off and leaves me stranded in his living room with my heart on the floor.

“She came to the restaurant last night and begged me to fuck her.”

Long ago, I’d call him a liar. When we were teenagers, he’d always say shit to rile me up. But he wouldn’t lie about Sophie. She’s as precious to him and she is to me. I can tell.

“That must have been nice for your ego,” I say, laying back down on his couch like I’m here to chill. Folding my arms over my chest, I close my eyes and get comfy. Maybe this will calm my frantic heart down, so I don’t stroke out.

“I’m worried.” Knox heads to the fridge. “She’s come to me before for quickies, but there was something off with her last night. She looked like a zombie. A gorgeous, hot as fuck zombie, but…”

Time to share and compare, I guess. “She called off from the Monarch. I went over and held her last night.”

My eyes are cracked open just enough to see his reaction. It’s not a good one. Knox is stiff, which usually means he’s angry and he slams the fridge door shut. “Why didn’t she call me?”

“Maybe because she already fucked you,” I toss out.

“Naw. She calls me all the time when she can’t sleep and comes over so she can catch up on her zzzs. Why’d she fucking call you?”

It’s not a secret that Knox has some insecurities. I used to find it so fucking annoying, but over time, I understood why. He’s never felt like he was worthy of anything. Not smart enough, skilled enough, rich enough, successful enough. We’re not in a competition, but he might not understand that. Sharing her is one thing…

Sharingmemight be another.

I close my eyes and smile at that. It means there’s still a chance that things are going to turn out okay with us.

---