Page 66 of Sunrise

So long as I don’t fuck it up.

“You hungry?”

“I could eat.” My eyes shut again and a true smile cracks across my face. Knox pulls out a bunch of stuff from his fridge and I settle onto his couch and wait…

Knox won’t stop blowing up my phone and I finally had to turn it off. It’s the only thing I know how to do to make the noise stop. Ignore him. Cut him out.

All of this is my fucking fault.

I’ve broken his heart again and there’s nothing I can do except sweep the pieces into another room and shut the door.

It’s been a month since I was assaulted. A month since I volunteered with my favorite teacher, was told everyone else couldn’t make it this time so it was just me and him working at the camp in the woods, where I had mywater bottle roofied, and I woke up tied down and immobilized so I could be used and abused for two fucking days. Afterwards, he drove me home, warning me that no one would believe me if I told them what happened. He was too popular and well respected by not only the school body, but the headmaster and most of the community as well. He had friends in high places, and I had nothing but a sore ass and friends who were likely going to prison by the time they were twenty.

I haven’t slept in forever. I can still feel the ropes around my wrists sometimes. And I still feel him on me. In me. Scrubbing my skin off doesn’t help. Nothing I do helps.

So, three days ago I asked Knox to do something for me.

I told him to fuck me.

If I could replace the bad thing with the best thing in the world, I’ll be okay. He’s the best thing.

At first, he shot me down.

“Am I too dirty for you now?” I’d asked, furious and hurt.

“What? No. Fuck, Alex, of course not.”

“Then do it.” I got on my knees on the floor of his filthy bedroom and shoved my pants down. “Do it.”

I thought I was going to puke.

Knox couldn’t get hard. That made me feel worse. “So, now you don’t want me? I’m too gross for you?”

“Stop, Alex. That’s not it.”

His hands were freezing on my skin when he held my hip. I couldn’t stop shaking. Tears blurred my vision, and my palms were so sweaty, I slipped a little on the floor.

“I can’t fuck you like this,” he confessed. “It’s not right.”

“You meanI’mnot right.” I feel so disgusting all the time. I didn’t blame him one bit for not being able to go through with it. I wouldn’t fuck me, either.

I got tested right afterithappened. I’m clinically clean, but my soul doesn’t understand that.

“We need to go slow,” he said from behind me. “Really, really slow, okay?”

I nodded once and stared at the shoe lying under his bed. Bracing. Holding my breath. I even pushed my ass out a little more in case he couldn’t find the fucking hole. “Are you going to do something or just stare at it?”

“Shut the fuck up.” He moved to the right and grabbed the lube from his side drawer. “Just give me a minute, okay?”

I wanted to look over my shoulder and see what he was doing, but I’d chicken out if I did. I just needed to get fucked by him and I’d reboot. My factory settings would default, and I’d be saved.

His hand rested on my hip again.

My mouth flooded with saliva.

He played with my tight hole, making my panic set in.

“It’s just my finger,” he said, warning me a little too late, I think, because I’d started spiraling. When he pushed it inside me, I vomited. Scrambling out of his reach, I left him fully clothed on the floor of his bedroom and ghosted him.

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