Page 68 of Sunrise

“I believe it.” This sandwich gets better with every bite. “You’ve never once disappointed me.”

That fact lands soft as a feather onto the table.

He looks down at his plate and takes another bite.

“I’m sorry for asking you to take me that day,” I say, my stomach squirming. “When I told you to fuck—”

“I know what you’re talking about. There’s no need to bring it up.” He wipes his mouth off with a napkin and shame crawls up my spine. “You don’t have to apologize for shit, Alex. You did what you thought you had to do to make yourself better. That’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“I put you in the worst position and ruined everything after that.”

“We were young and dumb. I wasn’t equipped to help you through your trauma. If anyone should apologize here, it’s me.”

I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak.

“I wish I could have done more for you,” he says. “I would have done anything for you then, and that hasn’t changed.”

Sitting back in my chair, I force myself to take in a full breath. This is the first time we’ve had the balls to discuss the crash-and-burn part of our relationship. Once I finally turned my phone back on and called him the morning after I slept over at Ryker’s, I’d gone into robot-mode and gave only neutral responses. He seemed so grateful to hear from me that he took the bare minimum, and we went back to hanging out as friends. We never talked about that day, or anything that came before it, ever again.

“I just wanted to overwrite my system,” I admit.

“You’re not a fucking computer, Alex. Stop treating yourself like one.”

He’s right, but I don’t know how to do that.

“I’m still so fucking mad,” I finally acknowledge. “I’m furious that he died like that.” Meeting Knox’s gaze, does he see me as a monster for wanting more revenge? I can’t tell what he’s thinking. His face is blank, which means he’s hiding his feelings.

“Died like what, exactly?” Knox fishes, as if he doesn’t already know the story.

“Quickly.” I pluck a chip and shove it in my mouth.

“How do you know he died quickly?”

“Because that’s what the reports said.”

“Maybe the reports were wrong.”

What the fuck? I don’t need him to be a devil’s advocate. I want him to bemyadvocate. “What the hell, Knox?”

“He didn’t die quickly.”

“Yes, he did.” Now I’m fucking mad all over again. “He blew up. Probably didn’t even see it coming. Just…boom…dead.”

And I cannot explain how much it infuriates me.

“That’s not true.” Knox sits back and glowers at me from across the table. “He knew what was fucking coming, Alex.”

My heart skids to a stop. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m saying he didn’t die quickly, and he saw it fucking coming.” He takes another bite of his sandwich. There’s no waver in his voice. No flare of humor in his eyes. He simply chews and waits patiently for me to either say something else or keepmy mouth shut.

“How do you know for sure?”

“Because I’m the one who lit the motherfucking match.”

Chapter 21

Knox

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