Page 101 of I Could Be Yours

“You think you’re in love, Nate, but you’re not.” I motion to the twinkle lights and all the people dancing, laughing, and having a great time in the distance. “No one goes from hating the idea of commitment, to saying I love you nearly overnight. All of this is clouding your vision. You think you feel this way because we’re surrounded by people whoarein love. You want this to be real. Trust me, I get it. It’s this beautiful beacon of hope, and I understand that you’re searching for something to hold on to—that you’re scared, especially with everything that’s happened, Nate. Your mom?—”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with her,” he snaps.

“But it does.” My throat is tight, eyes filling with tears. “How could it not? She literally took the money and ran. You haven’t even had time to process it. You won’t talk to me about it. How can you believe you want a life together when you won’t share your pain with me?” My heart feels like it’s crumbling to dust. And right now, in this perfectly awful moment, I recognize I’m the one who’s fallen. “You’re mistaking fear and lust for love, Nate.”

His brow furrows. “But you took care of me.” He motions between us. “You keep taking care of me. I like how I feel when I’m with you.”

“I’m sure that’s true, but I’ve been a fun little distraction from all the things you want to avoid.” I say it, I see the truth in it. Of course he’s been seeking an escape from the pain of it all. And I gave him one. Willingly. “Everyone else’s happiness is influencing you right now. You’re not serious about me and you don’t want a future with me. In a week you’ll wake up and realize you professed your love to me out of fear, and then you’ll panic because it’s notwhat you want. You’ve told me—you’ve told everyone—love isn’t real for years. This is just the wedding vibes and hot sex talking.”

I would know. This has happened to me before, too many times to count. I’ve mistaken lust for something more, too. It’s what I’ve been doing this whole time. Whatever these feelings are that he thinks he has, they’ll fizzle out when we’re back in Toronto. “Until this week you didn’t even have faith Rix and Tristan could last, let alone you and someone.”

With that, his walls come up, and he shuts down. It’s what I’ve been waiting for, but it still shreds my heart.

“Right.” He takes a step back. “We were only ever just fucking.”

“Nate.” I reach for him, but he shifts away.

“You were very clear, and I didn’t listen. I get the message now.” He spins around and walks away.

And I just…let him.

Because when he’s had a chance to really think about it, he’ll realize I’m the one who’s right, even if I wish I weren’t. I don’t want to be the idea he clings to, the refuge he seeks to escape his pain. I want it to be real for him like it is for me.

“Essie?”

I look up to find Dred coming up the steps to the gazebo from the beach. “Hey.”

She glances around, maybe searching for the other half of my conversation. “You out here talking to your fairy godmother?”

I laugh. “I wish I had one.”

“Can’t promise any magic, but I’m good at listening, if you want to tell me what’s going on.”

“It’s Nate.”

She nods and rests her hip against the railing. “There’s been a vibe.”

“You’re good at catching the vibes, aren’t you?” She was in the know on the Lexi-Roman situation before the rest of us had a clue.

She nods. “I am.”

I word-vomit the entire story, starting with the kiss in high school and ending with me sabotaging Nate’s declaration—but I leave out the part about his mother showing up.

She sighs. “Ah, well it all makes good sense now.”

“He can’t be falling for me.” I need someone else to confirm this, to tell me I’m right. I have to be, it’s the only thing that makes sense.

Her smile is soft and understanding. “Love makes us vulnerable in a way nothing else can, and Nate doesn’t really seem like the type of guy who makes himself vulnerable on a whim. Love opens us up for wonderful and painful things. Look at Rix and Tristan. She was devastated that she’d fallen for him, and he was terrified of loving her. They both had to face their own feelings and fears. Maybe Nate’s just had his epiphany. And maybe now it’s your turn.”

“I love people who will never love me back,” I admit.

“That’s not entirely true, though, is it? You love Rix, and she loves you back just as fiercely.”

“Yeah, but it’s different. She’s my best friend. She’ll never leave me, and I’ll never leave her.”

“Your relationship with Rix is so special, Ess. And you’re right that platonic love is different, but it’s still love, and it still makes us vulnerable. We should all be so lucky to have the kind of friendship you and Rix do.”

“You have that with Lexi and Flip,” I say.

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