Page 89 of Of the Stars and Sea

I do not want to cry.

Not over this.

Not while I’m in his arms.

Grayson smooths his hand over the back of my head again and again in slow, soothing strokes. “Even if your father had been coerced into his dealings with Red Beard, that does not mean you should be ashamed of the decisions you’ve made.”

“But—”

“But nothing, Rowenya. We do not live in a just world. There is evil around every corner, beckoning us toward it. Evil that forces our hand, making survival the only thing we think we’re capable of. You did what you had to do to survive. Whether your father was compelled by Red Beard to save you and yourmother’s life has no bearing on you. You have to forgive yourself. Youhaveto, Rowenya, or the guilt will lay waste to the rest of your life.”

The pain of my past is a living, breathing thing inside of me and every time I try to take my dagger to it, it grows.

And maybe that’s been the problem all along. I thought my only choice was violence, if I wanted to eradicate the guilt and shame that has darkened my heart every time I brought a new crew member aboard theTrinity. Maybe Grayson is right. I need to replace the hatred I’ve had toward myself with forgiveness.

“I . . . don’t know what that looks like.” I peer up at him and loosen the grip I have on his tunic.

His hand drops from the back of my head to my shoulder.

“It starts with the knowing that you made a choice—good or bad, it was yours. You must own the decisions you’ve made instead of running away from them. Once you face them . . . you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that your intentions were sound. And if they weren’t, well . . .” He takes in a deep breath. “You can rest assured that my intentions are rarely ever pure. Yet, somehow, you still manage to find something good in me. Something worthy of your affections.”

Leaning back, I take him in. Remembering that moment when he told me he would be the villain in my story should I need it. Here he is now, willing to do the same for the sake of my own well-being. He would sacrifice his integrity. He would willingly allow himself to be seen as someone terrible if it means makingmefeel better.

My heart swells as I look at him. This magnificently beautiful male who does not shy away from darkness, but instead laughs at it as if it were something trivial and benign. As if it holds no power over him when most would crumble under the weight of what he has done.

“Youaregood, Grayson.” I trace the outline of his scar with my finger and he shudders. “You once said you would like to destroy the one who gave me the scar on my face. I think I would very much like to do the same to whomever did this to you.”

Reaching up, he takes my hand in his and presses my fingertips to his lips.

“My Little Pearl shows her teeth again. I must say, you look divine dancing amongst the shadows.”

His words are a reminder of something I’ve intended to ask him for a while. “Speaking of violence, I want in on your dealings with Seger and Hawke.”

Grayson’s face drops just enough for me to know that he doesn’t like the idea.

“No.” He shakes his head.

“What do you mean, no?” I try and fail at hiding the bite in my words.

“I don’t trust them. And I certainly don’t trust that they wouldn’t sell you to the highest bidder if given the chance.”

“Sellme?” My brows pinch together.

“You are a precious thing, Rowenya. Your beauty is striking and the people we are after are in the business of sellingpleasure,” he spits out the last word as if it burns his tongue.

“During the meeting you spoke of saving children. I don’t understand.” I cross my arms over my chest wondering if his wariness is just another display of possessiveness.

“That is our intention, yes. But we have encountered many ships that have had captured women and men, as well as creatures. We have done our best to save as many lives as possible, but there are only a few of us concerting our efforts to stop the trafficking trade. Over the years, we have had to focus on the ships we know have children, or at least knowledge of where they capture and trade them.”

“If you’ve been doing this for years, then why don’t you trust Seger and Hawke?”

Grayson’s jaw ticks and I roll my eyes.

“You do trust them,” I realize. “You just don’t trust them withme.”

Grayson sighs and I take another step back, frustration licking up my spine.

“Yes,” he responds, sliding his hands back through his hair with an exasperated look on his face. “You’re right. I don’t trust them with you. Not when I know what they are capable of and given the right opportunity, what they might do to you.”

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