Page 48 of I Always Will

Her mother’s mouth twitched unhappily. “Alexandria, good evening. I apologise for accosting you at the station.”

“It’s really okay,” she said, feeling stiff, uncomfortable, as she watched her mother’s hand gesture at the space around them. “Is everything okay?”

She hummed. “I did not think you’d answer if I called you.”

“I would have.” It was surprising that her mum thought otherwise, but maybe everything was surprising these days.

“Oh. Well. That’s nice.” Susan cleared her throat and Alexandria almost laughed at the awkwardness of this whole thing. “Your father and I are… figuring some things out.”

Alexandria had been wondering about them all week. She’d been wondering about her mum all week.

Susan had picked and prodded at all the things she thought Daniel and Esme were doing wrong, but, when she’d started coming around on the names thing and their dad had cut her down, Alexandria had wondered how much of that had been Susan and how much of it was what she thought she was supposed to be.

“It is hard,” Susan continued, unable to look directly at her, “to disagree with the man you’ve been with for forty years. I know we’ve seemed old-fashioned and odd to you and Daniel, and it might seem unbelievable to you, but this is the only life I’ve ever known as an adult.”

“It’s okay, Mum—” Alexandria said, her heart aching for her mother.

“No, it’s not. Your father said unforgivable things and I just stood there and let him.” She looked at Alexandria intently. “I want to be very clear that I do not think you’re odd. I do not think who you love is odd. It is hard for me to understand the need to do things differently sometimes, but, no matter what I think, you and Daniel are my children, and I love and support you always.”

Alexandria wasn’t sure what to say. The only person she’d admitted how much it hurt hearing her dad talk about her potentially marrying a woman asnew-fangledto was Hailey. Only to Hailey had she talked about how much it felt as though half of her identity would be erased if she married a man, and how much it felt like her dad would prefer that so he could pretend she was just like him and Mum. Up until this point, he’d always seemed to accept her as she was. He wasn’t especially gentle but he hadn’t been mean. The last thing she’d been expecting was thinly-veiled homophobia. And she definitely hadn’t been expecting that conversation to be the straw that broke the camel’s back, as she was now beginning to understand it might be for her mother.

Susan took a deep breath. “I know I’m not always the easiest mum, but I do love you both. I still have a lot to figure out and I’m going to get some therapy, work through my issues and things, you know?”

“That’s great,” Alexandria said weakly. She meant it, it was just hard watching her mum like this and wondering whether she’d ever really known her.

She wondered whether Susan had known herself lately, which was one of the sadder thoughts she’d ever had. Who might Susan be without the weight of expectation on her?

“Thank you.” She sniffed. “I think it’s probably overdue. There’s likely a whole host of things that are, but I’m trying, and… that will have to be enough for now, I suppose.”

“It’s enough,” Alexandria said. They would have a lot to work through—her mum definitely had a lot to work through—but she was trying and, for the first time in Alexandria’s life, she felt like they were really talking. It was nice, even amidst the awkwardness of it.

“Thank you. I don’t know if that’s true. I am still here for selfish reasons, I suppose.”

Alexandria frowned. “How do you mean?”

Susan cleared her throat. “Your brother has uninvited us from the wedding. I know I’ve been terrible and critical and needlessly mean, and I just backtracked to agree with your dad about the… the wholenamething, but Daniel is my only son and I would like to be there on his wedding day.”

Alexandria nodded. She would support whatever Daniel decided—a decision which, she imagined, would hinge on what was actually going on with their parents and what their mum had to say to him—but she understood her mother’s desire to be there.

“I knew you’d be back tonight and that you’ll be staying with him, and I was wondering…” Susan sighed heavily. “I know I have no right to ask, but he’s blocked us and I didn’t know how else to get the message to him.” She reached into her handbag and pulled out an envelope. “Could you give him this?”

Alexandria reached out to take it. The crisp, white envelope showed no signs of how consequential the letter inside might be—wouldneedto be if it were to reverse the course the Daley family was on. “I’ll ask him if he’s willing to read it. I’ll tell him about this conversation. But I won’t force him to read it if he isn’t ready or doesn’t want to.”

Susan’s shoulders shrank slightly. She nodded. “I understand. Thank you, Alexandria.”

“No problem.” Awkwardly, almost shy, she leaned in to kiss her mother briefly on the cheek. “Thanks for coming.”

Susan nodded, gave her one last, regret-filled look, and turned to leave.

Alexandria watched her go, clutching the letter tightly. Her mother was a proud woman, she could only imagine what it had taken to work herself up to this. Just the fact that she had was proof something was changing. Whether it could change in a week, in time for the wedding, Alexandria wasn’t sure, but change was coming.

Twenty

Present day

Hailey was already itching to see Alexandria and she didn’t even know if she was back in Newell yet. It was ridiculous and she knew it. Alexandria had hinted at whether they would see each other and Hailey had played it off like a joke in some ridiculous act of self-preservation, something to protect her heart, to prevent giving herself away as the fool for Alexandria she was. It was a pointless effort. She could have—shouldhave—just admitted that she was hoping for the same thing, that she’d happily pick her up at the station, and that she could stay here, with Hailey.

Well, probably not that one. It was way too quick for that. They had too much history between them to jump too quickly into anything like that, but she could have at least admitted to wanting to see Alexandria.

---