Page 72 of Love, Morgan

Chapter 22

Iona

My fingers found the tiny mango sitting around my neck, just as they had a million times over the last week. I’d barely taken it off, but it still wasn’t helping how much I missed her.

I stared at the camera, still no idea what I wanted to say, what I wanted to wrap. After days of getting nowhere over at my place, I was back at my dad’s, sleeping in my childhood bedroom, filming where I’d made those first few videos—ornotfilming, as it actually was—and trying my hardest to convince myself that I was only here because I’d missed him, and not because I was in desperate need of comfort.

I groaned, running my fingers through my hair. I needed to record something. I hadn’t had a new video in a minute, and revenue was being affected. Not massively, perhaps, but it was still a hole I didn’t want to have to dig myself back out of whenever my heart and my head got with the program and learned to move on. I didn’t have the time for that. I needed to learn to work through the pain, work with the pain.

The camera had never seemed less welcoming. I felt more exposed there now, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but, when what had been opened up hurt so much, everything felt unfamiliar and hard. I couldn’t find the armor I used to put on. I didn’t feel like The Pretty Gift brand. I just felt like Iona. And Iona was hurting.

It had been hours and I needed a break.

I pushed myself out of the chair and up to the main floor of the house, walking towards the kitchen where I heard my dad cooking. I hadn’t registered that it was time for dinner. I’d been too lost in trying to figure out the right things to say, in trying to remember how to do my job.

“Hey, Speckle,” he said, looking up with a grin as I entered, waving me off before I could even ask if he needed help. “Right on time for another delicious creation.”

I smiled, unspeakably grateful for him. And for Cerberus, who bounced around my feet, desperately in need of cuddles. Not one to disappoint him, I bent to scoop him up and sat at the island watching my dad cook.

“How's the filming going?” he asked.

I winced.

“That good, huh?”

“That good…”

“I’m sure it’ll come. You only just got back from vacation. You need time to adjust, get back into the swing of things.”

I sighed, hugging Cerberus tighter. “I’ve been back a whole week. It wasn’t meant to be like this.”

He shot me a careful look. “Heartbreak’s like that sometimes, kiddo.”

I knew he meant well, but I wasn’t really sure what to do with that. Morgan and I had a deal. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, no matter how delighted he’d been when he’d picked me up at the airport and immediately recognized what was going on.

It had been a weird ride home, sitting in the passenger seat of my dad’s car, telling him all about my new friend, Thalia, and my… Morgan. I’d felt like a child. He’d never looked prouder in his life.

“Either way,” I said, attempting to sidestep another conversation about Morgan, “I need to figure it out soon or I’m going to have problems.”

“Just be yourself, Speckle. People like you, your fans will be ecstatic to see you back.”

That was the problem, though. I wasn’t sure who I was these days. I was the old me, and the new me. I was more open than I’d ever been, and more hurt than I’d ever been, more scared than I’d ever been.

He started dishing up, watching me surreptitiously. “You’re worried about them seeing you,” he pointed out.

“No,” I insisted before I even had time to think about it. “Well, yeah, maybe? I don’t know. I’ve just spent so long having it all together on the channel that I don’t really know what to do with this new, broken version of me.”

He grinned and it felt like an entirely inappropriate reaction to the situation.

I stiffened, Cerberus’ ears perking up in response. “What did I do?”

He laughed, leading us to the dining table. “I’m just proud of you, is all. It’s nice seeing you like this.”

“That’s kind of a weird way to tell me you hate me,” I said, my stomach twisting uncomfortably.

He shot me a look. “I love you, Speckle, with my whole heart. It’s just…lookat you.” When I didn’t get it, he shook his head. “I know it hurts. I know it feels like someone ripped out your insides, like a part of you is missing and you have no idea how to get it back. It sucks, and it’s not going away soon.”

“Gee, thanks for this uplifting pep talk…” I stared at him, distantly aware of how much like Morgan I sounded. I hadn’t known before her just how much of an impact a person could have on you in such a short time.

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