Page 73 of Love, Morgan

He laughed, instructing me to eat. “It’s not a bad thing, Speckle. You’re finally alive. I’m sorry that you’re hurting, but nothing has ever made you come alive like this. It’s like, your whole life, you were waiting for this moment. You’ve done huge things, and I’ve always been proud of you, but, for the first time ever, it’s like I’m meetingyou. It’s like Morgan reached inside you and finally gave you permission to breathe, to feel things, to let your guard down. And, sure, sometimes things hurt when you do that, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”

“The best living is done in the bad moments,” I murmured.

He paused, looking up at me with deep recognition in his eyes. “Exactly. I’ve lived some dark moments, but what came from them is all the sweeter because of it.”

I looked at him feeling like I was seeing a part of him for the first time ever, too, like he was looking back on every bad thing he’d been through and seeing exactly how they all led here. And here was happy. Here was home. He’d survived them all and come out stronger.

I reached over to hold his free hand. “I’m really glad you made it, Dad.”

He smiled warmly. “I’m really gladwemade it. But that doesn’t mean we can’t mess up and make the wrong decisions sometimes. That’s life, you know? You’re out here making terrible decisions, but I couldn’t be prouder of you for it. Welcome to the world, kiddo.”

“Hey,” I protested. “Terrible decisions?”

“Oh, yeah. God awful. But at least you’re making them. And, the thing with bad decisions is that you can go back and pick again.” He looked at me in a way that made me feel like he was x-raying my soul. “Maybe you can’t go back to the island right now, but you can change things with Morgan. You can make the other choice.”

Every time he talked about her like he knew her, it felt like a chunk was being torn off me. She was so alive for me that I’d made her so alive for him, and now, he talked as if he knew her, as if he adored her. And I felt like I’d stolen something from him by never letting them meet.

I shook my head. “I can’t. I have you. I have my life here. And Morgan… she has a very carefully constructed life that’s important to her. I can’t be the person who asks her to change all that.”

He frowned at me. “Iona, I am not a reason to throw away the things you want.”

“I know that—”

“Do you?”

“I do,” I said, fear rising in my chest. “But I can’t… I can’t just… I’m not… I won’t…”

“Iona,” he said, his tone deep and serious. “It is not a child’s job to sacrifice their happiness for their parent’s. I would never want you to, either. All I’ve ever wanted for you is to see you coming alive, being happy, doing the things you want to do.”

“But—even if…” I shook my head. It was an odd conversation to have when it was all hypothetical but so close to being tangible. “I live here. She lives on the other side of the country. I couldn’t leave you.”

He reached over to take my face in his hands, making me feel five years old again. “You can because you were never meant to build your life around me. I built the life I wanted. Now, I want to see you build the lifeyouwant. And it doesn’t matter where you live, you’ll always be my little Speckle. Plus, you work remotely. Do you really think you’d be getting out of here and never coming to visit? I don’t think so.”

My chest ached and my eyes burned. Every part of me felt like it was in turmoil. My whole life almost, it had just been me and him. It never occurred to me to leave. Never occurred that he’d want that. I never wanted to be another person who abandoned him.

I took a deep breath. “I don’t want to be like… my mother.”

His face crumpled. “Oh, Speckle. You never could be. You’ve always been different, and you always will be. She was the one who had to choose to be my partner. You were never required to try to take that on.

“Love is always a choice. It’s an action we choose every day. Sometimes, people can’t—or won’t—choose that with us anymore. It hurts, but it’s okay. Wonderful things come out of it in the end. Like you, my child. The one I want to see soar. I’m your dad no matter what. There’s no getting rid of me, but I also don’t want to be the chain keeping you here.” His thumbs caressed my cheeks. “Besides, the other side of the country is not that far away. We’d see each other all the time.”

My insides felt like something was being lost and unlocked all at the same time. He’d never made me feel like I needed to fill that space for him. I’d just been anxious and scared, clinging on for dear life because I was scared of letting go, scared of not being enough, not being worth the loss of his wife.

Morgan had somehow gotten me to let go—of so many things—and now, here he was, telling me that was okay. And I had no idea what to do with that.

I swallowed back the tears. “It doesn’t matter either way. Morgan has… reasons for why this was a nonstarter for her too.”

He chuckled. “If they’re as ridiculous as yours, I’m not sure they’re anything to worry about.”

“No, they’re not. They’re…” I didn’t know how to explain how consequential they were without giving away all of her secrets, something I was never going to do. “Important.”

His mouth twisted as he thought carefully. “I’m not going to pretend to know Morgan’s reasons or needs. If you say they matter, I believe you, but I also believe that anyone who had this much of an impact on you can’t have been untouched themself. That’s not how love works.”

“I think that might be too strong a word for two weeks…” My face burned.

He laughed. “It’s been far more than two weeks for her. Besides, love doesn’t care for arbitrary time limits. It does its thing on the schedule that’s right for the people involved. There’s no point holding yourself to imagined timescales just because you’re scared of letting it in. It’s not going anywhere.”

I felt like throwing up. Thalia had said something similar to me when we’d video-called yesterday. I was going to have to let her and my dad meet someday for they were too much on the same page to not. Though, perhaps I’d give it some time. I didn’t need them teaming up on me right now.

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