Page 74 of Love, Morgan

But, was it possible they were right? I’d let myself love so many things about Morgan, but I wasn’t letting myself be in love with her because… why? It had only been a couple of weeks, only really a few days together. It felt too fast, too risky.

And it was fast, and it was risky. But the worst had already happened, and it wasn’t going anywhere. One week without her, and her face in my dreams, her voice in my head, her touch on my skin… none of it had gone anywhere at all. She’d burrowed under my skin and into my heart, and I didn’t think I’d ever exist again without her fingerprints upon me.

“At the very least,” my dad said, reaching over to take my hand when I didn’t reply, “let it in. Let yourself feel everything you’re feeling, and let it be out in the world. Let people see you—me, your friends, and even your fans. They’re not going to leave you for being human. And heaven knows being human is hard. Connection is possibly the only thing getting us through it. Don’t try to do it alone.”

He was right. I knew it. I’d been feeling it for weeks now with Morgan and Thalia. I’d even reached out in a more friendly capacity to some fellow YouTubers since I’d been back, and it had been nice. They hadn’t ignored or rejected me. They’d been open and welcoming and lovely. And maybe he was right, maybe all any of us really wanted was connection, and we needed desperately to hold onto it when we had it.

“Domino, you know, from YouTube, invited me to take part in a… charity convention, I guess?” I clenched my hands against the doubt in my mind that I deserved this. “It’s a bunch of YouTubers setting up stalls and selling merch or services, doing shows and demonstrations, and it’s going to raise funds for charity.”

“That’s amazing,” he said, lighting up. “You’re going to do it, right?”

“Maybe?” I winced. I needed to let him in.Connection.“I want to, but I guess I feel like I don’t belong there. You know, they’re all much closer to each other. I’m sure she only asked me to be polite…”

He scoffed. “She didn’t only ask you to be polite. She wants you there. I’m sure everyone feels like an outsider, too, and you deserve to be there. I bet you’d pull in a lot of money for them, too.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Maybe I’d say yes. It was pretty soon, but I could do it. I could be brave and meet new people and connect with fans closer than before.

And maybe I could do that in my videos, too. Maybe they didn’t need to be so perfect and polished all the time. Maybe I could speed-wrap to keep my hands busy and just be myself for once. Maybe someone watching would know exactly what I was feeling, and maybe they wouldn’t feel so alone because of it.

Chapter 23

Morgan

Freddie smiled at me, pushing another lemon slice my way. “Looks like you might need this.”

“I always need sweets,” I pointed out. “They’re what I run on.”

“Yes, well, when matters of the heart are involved…”

“Pfft, leave the girl alone, Freddie,” Edith, Harlow’s mom, said, swatting at their arm.

“Come on, Edith,” they said, waggling their eyebrows in my direction. “We can all see how her mind’s elsewhere tonight. I think this is the first time I’ve been on a team with her and haven't won.”

They were right about that. It was going to be a sore spot in my otherwise perfect bridge record.

“Nobody can win every night,” Dariush said, packing up the cards we’d been playing with. He sounded sincere, even though I was certain he and Edith must have been delighted to win.

We drew teams each week, and everyone was a good sport about it, but it had become something of a guarantee that my team was going to win. I was talented like that.

Freddie sighed, shaking their head. “Alas, I must concede that you are, apparently, right. Love has knocked our fiercest competitor off the top spot.”

My blood boiled but I wasn’t going to take it out on my bridge group. They were my friends, they didn’t know what had happened, and exploding on them would only ruin this life I’d been so adamant about not leaving. And that wouldn’t do.

Still, if they could stop, I’d really appreciate that.

I swallowed the lemon slice in three bites. “I’m not in love,” I said, wiping the crumbs from my mouth. “And, don’t worry, I just like to keep you on your toes. Next week, I’ll be back on top, and I don’t foresee myself leaving for a very long time.”

“Fighting talk,” Dariush said with a laugh. “I like it.”

“And maybe we can video your girlfriend in. Maybe you’ll be back on top form if she’s here watching you.” Freddie winked and I had to take a deep breath to calm the pounding in my ears. They really lived in their own little world where everything was romantic and perfect and nothing ever stood in your way.

Ripley was the same these days. Maybe that was what happened when you got a second shot at first love and lived happily ever after together. Ripley and Alicia being insufferably happy. Freddie and their husband and the flowers they bought from Ripley every week… It was so saccharine it almost hurt my teeth. And that was saying something.

Freddie, these days, was the eternal optimist. Edith, however, was a little more realistic.

She watched me with a deductive expression that reminded me of the way Harlow watched Briar. It set my teeth on edge. Everyone was getting parental on me these days.

I’d never had a mother watch me like that, and, clearly, I had turned out great. But mothers who watched you like that saw things you didn’t want them knowing, and I’d expended massive amounts of energy making sure everyone in Jackson Point knew I was perfectly happy, normal, and in no way pining after Iona Engle.

---