Page 77 of Finally Loved

She pulled in, killed the engine, took off her sunglasses, thought better about the heat and turned the car back on, and turned to Neve.

“Sorry,” Neve said quietly, a lump thick in her throat.

“Don’t be.” Alba took a deep breath. “Look, I like sex. It can be enjoyable. I would say most of my… relationships—loose use of the word—have been based on sexual attraction. But I don’tneedit to be a two-person activity. I don’t want my relationships to be only based on that. I am perfectly happy taking care of myself if the rest of the relationship is giving me everything I’m looking for.”

“Don’t you think you’d miss it, though? It would be something you’d be giving up. Forever,” Neve asked quietly, nervously.

“No.” Alba’s voice was clear, certain. “How do you feel about masturbation? Like, talking about it.”

Neve blushed but held her ground. “Totally fine.”

“Great.” Alba grinned. “I own plenty of toys that do an absolutely wonderful job getting me off. I am perfectly satisfied.”

Neve’s face felt burning hot, but she appreciated the honesty. “I’m glad to know that.”

Alba laughed. “What I’m saying is that I am perfectly capable of meeting my own sexual needs, I don’t need someo—” She sighed and took Neve’s hands. “I don’t needyouto do that for me.”

“But, what if, down the line… I’ve had this kind of conversation before. People think it’s going to be okay, and it’s not their fault, but it just doesn’t…”

“I’ve given it a lot of thought.”

“Have you?” Neve stared at her in disbelief.

She breathed a laugh. “Haven’t you?”

“Well, yes. But I’m the one who’s—”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t whatever the disparaging end of that sentence was.”

“Sorry.”

Alba shook her head. “You don’t have to be sorry, but you don’t have to disparage yourself either. You’re not missing anything. I’m not missing anything.”

“Not yet, maybe.”

“Not ever.” She held Neve’s hands tighter. “I know that’s going to be almost impossible to believe, but, let’s be honest, you and I have been kind of doing this thing for a minute now. Everyone I know thinks we’re already together.Iwantto be already together. Half of the time it feels like we already are, and those are the best moments of my life. I don’t care that you don’t want to have sex—well, I care, but in the way that I want you to feel safe and secure and to be able to trust that I’m not going to try forcing you into it, that I’m not thinking you owe it to me, that I’m not waiting around for you to change your mind. I’ve had plenty of people look at me like they want to sleep with me. I’ve had people look at me like they want to date me. But I’ve never had anyone look at me the way you do. Or, maybe they have, but it hasn’t felt the same. I didn’t want them to look at me the way you do. I didn’t feel the same.”

“What if that goes away though, and all you’re left with is me and no sex?”

“As long as I am left with you, I don’t care about anything else. I can’t even begin to explain to you how being with you feels. It’s like I spent my entire life waiting for something, thinking it was going to be the best thing ever, only to discover that I couldn’t even imagine the best thing ever because I hadn’t met you. You are exquisite, Neve. The way you laugh, the way you speak, the way your mind works, the way you touch me, the way you look at me, the way you’re my best friend… All of you is so much more than I ever had the capacity to even imagine. I love that you’re asexual. It’s a part of you and it’s beautiful. It’s opened up all of these other ways of connecting and loving and understanding someone, and all of that is enough. It’s morethan enough. It’s more than I ever thought I’d be lucky enough to have. The idea of being with you, all of you, doesn’t feel like giving up anything at all. It feels like everything.”

“But, what if, like, we’re kissing and it’s too much?” Neve felt like she was floating from Alba’s words. Even in previous conversations about whether people could imagine a relationship without sex, they’d all agreed to try, but none of them had just loved that part of her. It had been a concession they tried, never a part they wanted to embrace. Nobody had ever described it as beautiful before. But, still, the incessant press at the sides of her brain from all of the times someone had pushed her in those moments, had blamed her, refused to go away.

Alba smiled softly, reaching one hand up to caress Neve’s face. “How much is too much?”

“What if you can’t hold yourself back? What if you need it?”

Alba’s smile fell from her face. “Neve, I want you to listen to me very carefully. Honestly, yes, I am sexually attracted to you. I am attracted to you in every way it’s possible for me to be attracted to someone. Being with you and around you is going to turn me on sometimes. However, I am in control of my actions. I can get off thinking about you. I can step out of the room if that makes you more comfortable. I can do whatever you need. I cannot force you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Not because I think that’s your responsibility or that you want it or whatever, but because I would not want to. Every bone in my body is repulsed by the idea. It doesn’t matter how badly turned on I am, I know who I am, I know who you are, and I know the bounds of our relationship. Anyone who has pushed those boundaries, anyone who has made you feel like it’s your fault, is the problem. Anyone can say no at any time. It is everyone’s personal responsibility to control themselves in the face of that.”

Tears streamed down Neve’s face. Nobody had ever loved her like that. Sure, people could stop themselves, and allo people often did, but, in Neve’s experience, the situation was still her fault, she’d still felt their blame, their anger, their disappointment, and their expectations. She’d never had someone so clearly understand that the boundary wasn’t ever going away, that she couldn’t take it down. But here was Alba, telling her she understood it.

She finally wondered whether she might have chosen to date some shitty partners. Everything felt like she’d been waiting forever for Alba, but maybe there had been a path to Alba that wasn’t littered with such terrible partners. Alba, Robin, Olive… all of them were telling her better was out there, Neve had just missed it. But she wasn’t missing it now.

She scrubbed at one side of her face as Alba carefully wiped the other side with her thumb. She didn’t know how to speak, didn’t know what to say. She didn’t think she’d ever known love before Alba, not really, not now that she was letting it in and Alba was saying all of these things.

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