Page 4 of Crescendo

I knew I’d crash at some point. I could feel the emotions building up inside of me—too raw, too fresh, too much for the years I’d spent trying not to feel them—but, for now, they were amazing. The crowds, the noise, even the scents. It reminded me of the first time Callum had come to visit me in London. Just the two of us, young and free. He’d always loved it so much, but it had been different seeing it together, rather than with our dads as tourists. Well, he’d still been a tourist, but I’d moved and that made the whole thing feel a million miles away from our childhood trips.

I coughed to cover the bubble of sentimental laughter that burst up from inside of me, blinking away the accompanying tears. The crash was going to be hard. It turned out hiding from grieving for four years didn’t mean the emotions would be smaller when you finally let them in.

The train arrived and I allowed the crowd to move me forward, pushing into the train, and finding myself pressed awkwardly against a pole. At least I had something to hold onto.

I could have laughed again.

My friends were going to get worried if I was like this all night.

For a few minutes I gave myself over to the sway of the train and the knowledge that I was being whisked across London. The weight that usually crushed my chest still ached, but it felt relieved, alive almost, like we were both finally breathing, as if I’d been starving both of us of oxygen all this time.

A smile spread across my face as we reached my stop and I exited the train and returned to ground level, stepping out into the sunny evening and walking quickly towards the Barbican. My quick pace didn’t stop Sian and Alisha beating me there, though.

Sian nodded my way as she spotted me coming and Alisha whipped around. Both of them froze for a second before their expressions became cautious.

“What’s going on?” Sian asked once I was within speaking distance.

“Nothing,” I replied. “What’s going on with you?”

Alisha shot me a sceptical look. “Please. You’ve got a whole… energy about you.”

“Exactly,” Sian agreed, nodding furiously. “What’s going on with you?”

I smiled, fighting the urge to cry. This whole thing was wild and painful and hopeful and… it had been a long time coming. “Arundhati okayed the sabbatical.”

They both stared at me until Alisha sucked in an audible breath. “For real?”

“For real. Three months.”

Sian let out a low whistle. “Wow. Honestly, I didn’t think you’d actually go through with it. How are you feeling?”

That was a question and a half.

I shook my head. “I don’t know. Good, I think.”

“You’re sure?” Alisha asked, reaching lightly for my shoulder, her brow furrowed. I wondered what my face must have been doing to elicit such concern.

“Yeah.” It was a tiny little word, barely audible.

“It’s okay if you need to cry, you know?”

“Absolutely,” Sian agreed. “If you want to cancel tonight, if you want to all go back to my place and… have a breakdown, whatever you need, it’s okay.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to cancel. I want to go to the show. I want to…be.”

Sian frowned. “I don’t even know what to do. Four years and you haven’t stopped for one second. Even when you take aholiday, you fill every second of it. Now, you book three months off work and… just… stop?”

I laughed a little breathlessly. It was probably a good thing there was still a little time before my sabbatical. If it had started today, I might have been in trouble. “I know. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know it’s time. I can’t keep going the way I have been, and I know now that’s not what Callum would have wanted. I’m ready. To get better.”

Alisha smiled, her expression a tangled mix of relief and concern. “Your dads are going to be so proud of you.”

Tears stung in my eyes again as I nodded. I’d scared them a lot in the time since Callum’s accident. They didn't deserve that. I’d find a way to make it up to them.

“We’re really proud of you, too,” Alisha said softly.

I nodded. “I’m pretty sure Arundhati is too.”

Sian laughed. “I can imagine. Remember how much she tried to give you time off when… you know?”

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