Page 99 of Crescendo

“We got reallyclose.She’s been having a rough go of it with you gone—”

“So it is about me going,” I said. “I’m evil and I abandoned her and so you had no choice but to take her in and make love to her—”

“Lydia.I didn’t mean it like that. It’s not your fault—”

“I can’t believe you didn’t evensayanything to me,” I said, my voice—was I crying? Christ, I was. That probably wasn’t just about Natália, was it? “That I had to catch you in the act like a couple of teenagers. Exceptyou’reolder and you should know better.”

“She’s not a teenager!” She sighed, hard. “Lydia, shit, I am so sorry. I really didn’t want it to happen like this. I swear we were holding back so long because we—”

“Forget it. You have Natália waiting to go… rip your clothes off and… ugh. Can’t keep her waiting. I’m going to go throw up.”

“I’m not—”

I hung up, throwing my phone at the bed and flopping face-first into the sheets after it.

Ugh. I was overreacting. Theywereboth adults. I was just pissy and sad because I sucked at music and all my attempts to run away had failed, and the womanIcared about had all but told meyou have to disappear once this is over,and then I find out that I’m nothing but an obstacle to the two people closest to me while they go… I didn’t want to think about what came next. The thought of Natália in bed with Melinda, dirty-talking her—it felt like I was thinking about my actual child in bed with someone.

I needed a walk. Just a little stroll. Anything to get me out of these thoughts before I actually threw up.

Chapter 22

Ella

I wished it could be easier, that it could make sense. I wished I knew what to do, what to say, how to make it all okay.

I wished LA were closer.

By the time I’d walked myself to Sian’s place—a decent walk from Queen’s Gate Terrace—I was soaked through from the rain and barely even registered it. All I could think about was the broken look in Lydia’s eyes.

Of course, we’d been fools to let it go this far without talking about it. We’d been fools to think either of us could do casual. Nothing had ever been casual and it seemed like neither of us wanted it to be. But LA and London were not close together. Five thousand four hundred and thirty-seven long miles. Not to mention the time difference. How did you make something like that work?

It wasn’t like I resented her not wanting to leave. It was her home. Her friends, her job, her life were all there. She couldn’t give all of that up for someone she’d only been with for two months. I wasn’t in a better position to leave my life here, either. My job, my friends, my flat, and my dads… I couldn’t have themlive through losing one child only to have the other disappear across the world.

I rang the doorbell of Sian’s flat.

“Hello?” Sian’s voice called through the crackly speaker.

“Hey,” I said, and I could hear the heavy tone in my voice.

“Ella? Come on up.” She buzzed me in and even the door sticking slightly like it always did felt like some kind of cosmic consequence for falling for someone I couldn’t be with—or for being too afraid of the consequences to tell her how much she meant to me.

I climbed the stairs to Sian’s apartment and found her leaning against the doorframe waiting for me—joggers, messy hair, and glasses. She only ever wore them at home. I guessed she’d been caught in a downpour on her way home from our place too.

She sighed. “Well, you’ve looked better lately.”

I shot her a look. “Thank you. It’s raining.”

“Hm. Not what I meant, but sure. Come on in. We’ll get you a hot drink.”

It was really my fault for assuming that she meant the two of us with that comment. However, I stepped into her little living-dining-kitchen combo and found Bansi sitting at the breakfast bar like he belonged there.

I paused, eyes wide.

“Hey, Ella. Is Lydia with you?” he asked.

“No,” I replied, a little too slowly. “Did you… come straight from our place to here?”

He hummed, nodding his head as he downed the rest of his drink. A homemade masala chai, I realised, clocking the pan on the stove and the scent of warm spices in the air.

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