Page 86 of Last Hand

Halfway through the drive, something stirs low in my belly. A flutter. Barely there.

I freeze.

And then it comes again,light, like butterfly wings brushing the inside of me.

Milo notices my breath catch. “Fallon?”

I press a hand to my stomach, eyes wide.

“I think… I think I just felt it move.”

Leone stares down at me. His eyes go soft, all the hardness bleeding away in an instant. Leone turns, rests his palm gently over mine, and for a second, we just exist there waiting yet the feeling doesn’t come again; still, I definitely felt it.

When we are nearly home, I open the letter.

Fallon,

If you’re reading this, that means you got out and I didn’t.

There are things I wish I could say to your face, I don’t get that luxury. I don’t get to hold you, or touch your hair, or hear you say my name without anger in your voice. I won’t get to see the woman you’ve become, not the way I should have.

I want you to know I have always loved you. Even when it looked like I didn’t. Especially then, that was when I loved you the most because I was always hoping to come back to you.

I know what you must think of me. I know what I left behind. I know how it must’ve felt, to be the one I didn’t take with me. To have to help raise your sister, and watch your father disappear into grief, and still try to hold it all together like it was your job. You were just a child, and I made you the adult. For that, I’m sorry.

There are no good explanations for the choices I made. Only reasons. And even those aren’t good enough. If you want the truth, here it is:

It wasn’t safe, Mikhail would have come after you and even if he didn’t kill you all, your life would have been no better.

That’s why I left you behind.

You had your father. You had school, or at least I thought you did until you told me about Gertrude. You had some version of normal. I didn’t want to drag you into the fire with me again. I couldn’t let you grow up with the worst of who I was. Or be punished for my mistakes. You would’ve hated the version of me I became in order to keep the girls safe. Hell, I hated her most days.

I know you’ve probably hated me longer than you remember loving me. That’s okay. I earned that hate. I let it happen because I thought it meant you were surviving.

I thought I’d have time to explain all this to you someday. I thought I’d get to look you in the eye and say, “I’m sorry.” Not just for leaving but for leaving you with the weight of it all.

You were always strong. Always brave. I see now that I asked you to be too much, too soon. I turned my firstborn daughter into a shield for the whole family. And you never dropped it.

I am so, so proud of you.

When I saw you at the club that night, you were as beautiful as I imagined you to be, I just wanted to hug you, tell you I loved you and it broke me, because I knew I hadn’t earned the right to tell you that.

So I’ll say it now: I love you, Fallon. And every day that went by I never stopped. A lot of the time it’s what kept me alive thinking that one day I could come home to you and Emma.

I hope you find peace in your life, Fallon. I hope you stop carrying the guilt that belongs to me. I hope you let someone love you. Let them hold you when you’re tired. Let them carry some of the weight.

Let yourself be happy.

You deserve it.

And if you ever doubt that, just know:

You were never the girl I gave up.

You were the girl I trusted to make it out because I knew you would.

With all the love I couldn’t show you,

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