Page 111 of Broken Warrior
I shake my head and swipe at my eyes, eyes that are constantly puffy and red; always crying.
With what energy I can muster, I get out of bed and slowly pad my way to the door.
I don’t want to go into the hall, don’t want to leave this room.
It physically hurts to go through the motions, to get ready like nothing ever happened and carry on with normal day to day things.
The pain is so sharp, so heavy and thick. It stabs and scrapes at every inch of my body while weighing it down, while suffocating me from the inside out. This pain is worse than anything else I’ve ever been through and I have no idea how to make it go away.
I don’t know how to make it stop.
I just want it to stop.
I just want him back.
A fresh set of tears threatening to spill, I hurry toward James’s room and peek inside.
He’s actually asleep, sleeping sound for once and I can tell that he’s accident free for now.
My gaze moves over my peaceful baby, checking him head to toe the way I’ve been obsessively doing ever since that horrible day, and when I feel like I can breathe because my son is ok, he’s safe and he’s here with me, I make my way to the bathroom.
The woman in the reflection staring back at me is a stranger.
She looks like me for the most part, maybe more tired, a little thinner, but she still looks like me except for one obvious difference.
There’s hardly any life left in my eyes.
Inme.
Part of me died that day, died when… I shake my head and refuse to go down that road again.
Instead, I do my business, wash my hands, and splash cold water on my face then brace myself as I walk out of the bathroom.
We’re staying with Dori and Zak.
We have been for just over three weeks now and I’m pretty convinced my sister won’t let us leave until she’s sure I’m ok. Which means we’ll be living with them until the end of time because I highly doubt I’m ever going to be ok.
And the last thing I want to do is walk downstairs to see either one of them, to go through the awkwardness that accompanies every single interaction. I don’t want to answer any stupid obligatory questions or fake my way through a conversation. I just want to go get a cup of coffee, drink it in silence, then get my day started with James so I can work toward giving him some kind of normalcy back.
Anykind of normalcy back.
I just want him back.
I stifle my sob as I lean into the wall, barely catching myself as my knees buckle under the weight of my guilt, my pain,my grief.
Why?
Why did he have to go and do things on his own? Why did he have to run in and try to save the day all alone? Why… why did I have to make that one single stupid choice that changed everyone’s lives forever?
Why?
“We have to tell her.”
I pause at the top of the stairs as I hear Dori’s whispered voice from the hall.
No doubtherisme, but since I don’t want to have a conversation, I’m just going to stand here and listen.
“I don’t know,” Zak grunts. “I think it would only make things worse.”
