Page 89 of Broken Warrior
Willa just mastered sitting up without any help and scooting on her butt to get around, so she’s a ways off of jumping anywhere, but I love that James is thinking about that.
“And Auntie Dori can’t jump. She might haves the baby in the bounce house if she does.”
A beat of silence passes before I crack up yet again at this little boy and the way he amazes me. “You got that right, kiddo. We don’t need your Auntie Dori having the baby there.”
“I bet that’d be gross ta sees.” He giggles as he shakes his head. “And she couldn’t have no cake if she was havings a baby.”
This kid.
“Fin?”
“Yeah, bud?”
“Do you thinks I can invite some kids to mys party too?”
My chest squeezes as I look at the hopeful expression on his face. “Of course.”
He nods. “Mama said when mys go to preschool I’m gonna make lots of friends.”
“Heck yeah, you will. All the kids are gonna love hanging out with a cool dude like you.”
“I’m…” He bites his lip. “Mys a little scared of going to preschool.”
“How come?” James shrugs nonchalantly, but I see the genuine nervousness in his posture, in the mannerisms he’s obviously inherited from his mom that I know she wishes he hadn’t. “It’s ok to tell me, James. Sometimes talking about it helps.”
With another shrug, my little buddy drops his gaze and seemingly surveys all of our hard work for the day. The Fat Boy, the Ducati. James picks up the Vespa, turning the little toy over in his hand carefully, his small fingers shaking a bit before he sets it down. He’s proud of the sets we’ve built but looking over all of these models and the unopened boxes of motorcycle Legosisn’tcreating some level of excitement that’s making it hard for him to focus or something. I know that’s not what has James avoiding eye contact right now, it’s not what’s causing his hands to shake.
And I know it for a fact, but not just because I’m as in tune with my little buddy as I am with his mama. No, I know it to be fact becausethis was me at his age.
Hell, it’s still menow, and if I really want to be the one to teach my buddy all about life the same way my dad did for me, maybe I should start here.
So, with a deep breath, I get to it. “You know…” James hesitantly looks up at me and I give him a soft smile. “You know how Mama goes to visit Dr. Tally sometimes?”
James nods and sets the Vespa down, angling himself more toward me even though he’s still clearly reluctant to meet my eyes.
“Did you know that I go see someone like Dr. Tally, too?”
He shakes his head.
“I do.” I pick up the next box of little plastic blocks and slowly begin opening it. “I see someone just like Dr. Tally, and I go see her for the same reason your mama does.”Mostly.But knowing that Tate has been as transparent as she can be with her four-year-old about this kind of thing is definitely going to make this easier to explain.
James scoots toward me a little. “You gets nervous, too?”
“Yep.” I nod, pulling out the instructions and handing them over to my buddy. “I get real nervous and I have for a really long time, ever since I was little like you, actually.”
“You was little like mes?” His eyes widen as his jaw drops. “Yous wasn’t always a giant?”
With a chuckle, I shake my head. “No, I wasn’t always this big, bud, but I still get nervous now, too. Even being agiant.”
“So… even bigs tough guys that rides motorcycles can gets a little worried sometimes?”
“Yeah, buddy. We can get worried, nervous…” I hand James the bag of Legos and set up the box for us so we can look at the Knuckle Chopper while we build. “And sometimes, I get so worried about something, so nervous or even a little scared, that it makes my belly hurt.” He glances at me again but quickly goes back to opening and organizing the bags. “I’ll get a stomachache, sometimes a headache. My hands will get tingly and sweaty. There’s even times my heart starts beating so fast that it’s like I’ve been running around the farm all day, but I was only sitting on the couch watching cartoons.”
James frowns as he unfolds the instructions. “That happens to me, too.”
Which breaks my fucking heart.
But it’s exactly why we’re having this conversation. I want James to understand that it’s normal, that it’s ok to have anxiety or panic attacks, that he isn’t alone in that, and there are healthy ways of dealing with both. “I see my doctor friend so I can talk to her about those things. I tell her about how I get nervous, how it makes me feel. Then I tell her why I’m nervous. She helps me talk about the things that worry me, then she teaches me what to do whenever I get worried so it doesn’t give me a bellyache or anything.”
