Page 19 of Iron Cross

“They’d never do it,” I said, trying to cover up the rising bile of jealousy before it burned my throat and choked me. “They don’t like each other.”

“They’ve never actually met, darling.” I hated it when Blink called me darling. He only ever did it in the most condescending way possible. “They’re both of similar age, attractiveness…”

“No!” I slammed my fist into the steering wheel, and turned to myfriend,ready to break his face. But he just stared at me with those amused eyes.

“Fine words for a woman who left him.” His flat delivery of his zinger pissed me off even more.

Blink, of all people, understood why I left. Blink,of all people, should know how important it was to have good parents. To have parents that could teach you right from wrong. I couldn’t do that in the old house.

“You know why I left him.” I tried to stay calm, even as my nostrils flared and adrenaline made my fingered twitch. “With a father like that…”

I couldn’t finish the words. I never could.

“A child needs a moral parent,” Blink said, his jaw clenched. “At least one, to turn out decent, right?”

He agreed with me, even if he heard the unintended insult.

That was something he and I agreed on, having both only had one decent parent, even if his died early. But Blink also had the misfortune of one awful parent. His story was part of why I had to get my Cillian out of there.

“Andres… I…” I stuttered, letting the words die on my lips.

I wanted to assure him he was a good man, but his deepening frown silenced me.

“We need to bring someone else in.”

There it was. He finally said it. The words sliced like a blade. A sign I wasn’t good enough. Another sign that I was failing. But it was worse, because other people knew about it.

Three years ago, I would have been more resilient about the criticism. I would have rolled off my back like water off a swan. But I was a different person now.

I was a mom, and nothing I ever did would be good enough. That fact whittled me down until I was a wisp of a person.

It started the moment I passed out, and gave birth via c-section when I was unconscious. Then it went downhill from there - from barely being able to breastfeed, to then being able to, but being incapable of comforting, swaddling or calming him without placing a tit in his mouth.

But I could be better. I could try harder. I had to.

What other choice was there?

“I can turn it around.” My hands fisted on my lap.

“Picasso…”

“Blink!”

“You have a child, for fuck’s sake,” he said, his hand slamming down on the dash. “You live in a safe house in the middle of Hollowbrook! Darling, you have enough going on.”

“I can be a mom and still get my work done.”

Millions of moms had done it before. Millions more would. Maybe even billions. I could too. I wasn’t special.

Though I was failing at everything I touched.

The look in Blink’s eyes was the biggest slap in the face.

“You know that’s not what I meant,” he said quietly. “I’m begging you, don’t treat me like I’m your enemy in this Kira.”

What was the expression I saw crossing his face?

“I need you with us. I need you by my side, because our bosses are shuffling and moving, and I…want…you there.” He ran a hand through his hair, tugging on the onyx locks. “You’re my friend, Kira. Maybe the only real one I have. Please don’t treat me like I haven’t been going to bat for you each step of the way.”

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